Monday, November 28, 2011

i'm so tired, but i can't sleep

an empty cup means a full heart

essay assistance from my elf friend

Thursday, November 24, 2011

a poem

If I had a genie right now that would grant me 3 wishes, I would wish that Ella Wheeler Wilcox could return from the grave and tell me the stories behind her poems that ring so true in my heart.

Life's Scars
Ella Wheeler Wilcox

They say the world is round, and yet
I often think it square,
So many little hurts we get
From corners here and there.
But one great truth in life I've found,
While journeying to the West-
The only folks who really wound
Are those we love the best.

The man you thoroughly despise
Can rouse your wrath, 'tis true;
Annoyance in your heart will rise
At things mere strangers do;
But those are only passing ills;
This rule all lives will prove;
The rankling wound which aches and thrills
Is dealt by hands we love.

The choicest garb, the sweetest grace,
Are oft to strangers shown;
The careless mien, the frowning face,
Are given to our own.
We flatter those we scarcely know,
We please the fleeting guest,
And deal full many a thoughtless blow
To those who love us best.

Love does not grow on every tree,
Nor true hearts yearly bloom.
Alas for those who only see
This cut across a tomb!
But, soon or late, the fact grows plain
To all through sorrow's test:
The only folks who give us pain
Are those we love the best.

being thankful & being alone

This is my first, and hopefully last & only, Thanksgiving where I am alone. All the Facebook statuses and Tweets and mass texts about thankfulness & gratitude have been pouring in all day. I'm alone and sad and not  exactly brimming with grateful joy, but even as I reflect on what I have been blessed with (mostly "who"s I have been blessed by), I am sad. I ended up alone after a few little incidents and decided it was probably for the best that I just take some time to get work done... my to-do-list is starting to catch up with my blessings list in length. Not a good sign.

I've grown apart from a lot of people in the past year, mostly the past 6 months. I'm not sure if there is any way to have too many friends, but maybe that's what happened to me; maybe I just had too many people in my life and something had to give. 

Leaves change and people change. It's like when the colors in the trees start changing and it's beautiful (as a Texan, I mostly know this from photos and movies. We have a very short time of pretty fall trees.). The leaves are all sorts of reds, oranges, and golds, but if you get too attached to that you will be disappointed when they fall. Maybe that's what happened to me. Maybe I enjoyed the new friendships like a child might enjoy new leaves.

When leaves fall, we rake our yards. When people change or hurt us, there isn't much to do.

It was hard to make a collage of gratitude over the past year because so many of the photos I've taken were of blessings only temporary. It's hard to be thankful for moments that don't flee, but rather abandon. Maybe this is where the saying "don't cry because it's over, smile because it happens" comes in. Somehow though, it's hard for me to smile right now. Svetty told me the other day: "you don't need a lot; all you need are a few good & true friends."

This past year has brought me much inspiration and love. Two of my favorite additions to my heart are my NRL Academy girls and my best friend in the world, the truest friend I've ever known, Ryan. 

Here's to another year and hoping to be grateful for the same things next year. Reminds me of a quote I saw recently on Pinterest: "What if you woke up today with only the things you thanked God for yesterday?"

Just walked away from this entry for a bit to answer the phone and now I think I am sadder than ever. I thought I would like being alone more than I am liking it. At the same time, there's not anywhere else to be that would make me less sad than the company of myself. It's a pathetic paradox, really. Sigh.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

a funny little day

a lot was due today and a lot was done for today. proud of myself.

today there was also an evangelical uprising followed by an atheist battle which turned into an all out uneducated philosophical throwdown in the quad. i observed for an hour.

after that hubbub, i had 2 pb&j sandwiches. then 2 sweet mormon missionaries came by my apartment. i had such a delightful time with them! catholic til the day i die, but i really enjoyed their visit.

finished my day with a new episode of "the office" with my sweet boy and now i'm going to hot chocolate it up and go to bed.... it is 9:40. WHO AM I?!


Wednesday, November 16, 2011

can't commit to quit

another thing I have failed to bring to fruition: this "break."

only because I think I have solved my problem: I need my guitar back, I need some thinking/processing time, I need to turn off my phone every once and a while.

in my "song journal"
sanity restored (momentarily)

I have a lot of homework right now... I mean, a lot, so that means I get situated in front of my computer to be productive... and then somehow I end up playing guitar. I don't play much this year, and I think I should start doing it more (at more logical times though).

Last year I played all the times, and more therapeutic than that was writing songs, getting my feelings and thoughts and stupid infatuations clogging my consciousness out onto paper and out of my mouth & heart into song. It sounds so cheesy and cliche and maybe that ought to be a quote on an emo 15 year old's Tumblr account or something, but I attribute a lot of the growth I did last year to the writing and singing that I did alone in my room. Or alone in my room with my amazing roommate/favorite critic to be vulnerable in front of (she never gave negative feedback, love her. ha ha ha ha). I haven't done that in a long time. Once I get alllll this stuff on my to-do list taken care of, I'm going to write & sing again... on a day when I don't have a test the next day (TODAY).

I'm embarrassed about my irresponsibility lately, but I'm getting really good grades this semester. It's sad how I'm still getting my Fall-2001 life balanced and it's almost over. I feel most ashamed of my poor performance with my HLI writing. That's almost always the thing that pops into my mind when I have all my immediate tasks conquered and I am about to fall asleep thinking I am done with everything. I need to get my act together.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

taking a break

much like Ross & Rachel in the early years of "Friends," I am taking a break. from this blog. Probably not for too long... but at least until my heart conquers my anger.

The thoughts bouncing around in my head right now -- sadly regarding the Pro-Life movement and certain supposedly well meaning folks with a love for slanderous conversation -- do the opposite of what I intend to do on here: approach everything in life with love.

How does one approach a lie with love? Particularly when the lie is rooted in alleged "truth." Granted, I have my opinions on the strategies of certain Pro-Life organizations, but never would I ever vehemently tear down the efforts of a strong campus Pro-Life org that are not even based on fact. Is that what area Pro-Life leadership has come down to? Let's talk bad about the rest of the orgs so that ours will shine. Is that the mantra these days?

I'm getting hateful, so I'm going to go.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

haters they gonna hate

In the words of 3LW, "playas gon' play and haters they gon' hate." Tonight I will be complaining about a low profile hater group- Catholic mom bloggers.

I'm going to try to remove a judgmental and biased tone from this entry... social worker practice, or something.

I have 3 points to address:
1. Satisfied, Yet?
2. Only Snobs Call People Snobs
3. Delusional = Good At Photoshop

Some background on my grievances:
About a year and a half ago I wrote a song called "My Catholic Boy," not to be confused with my 2007 smash hit "God's Saving Me A Hottie." "My Catholic Boy" was intended to put to music some of the things that I, and other young women in my friend group, would enjoy in a significant other. The song was intended to shed a humorous light on my humorous dating life (non-existent). The song was a way for me to say hey, I'm single, I'm Catholic, I've got standards, I'm patient, I'm waiting for a great guy. 

The song was only posted in response to the widely reposted "Catholic Pickup Line Song" because, when it first came out, every semi to very devout Catholic college aged girl I know was drooling over David Casper who could sing, play guitar, and was a Catholic lyrical sweet talker; some lyrics from his song are: "what would you say, babe, if I told you that you reminded me of Mary?" So, if you are reading this and you are in your 40's and you can't wait until your Bunco group tonight so you can talk about this little Catholic snob, hope you read this paragraph carefully. Notice how there was never mention of a "checklist" or of "requirements" for a spouse? Was there ever a part of this paragraph that implied I feel that I am better than anyone else? If so- please enlighten me, because I'm probably a little bit more familiar with my song than you are - considering I wrote it and stuff. This is the song that got the mom bloggers flying with accusatory language:

I discovered the first rude & judgmental blog entry just hours after I'd settled into my dorm in D.C. this summer when I was spending 5 weeks taking classes at the National Right to Life office. I'm such a snob that I defend the unborn- what kind of delusional person am I! Oops. That was biased & sarcastic. I'm not deleting it though. This mom-blogger writes:
"There is a harshness, a sort of snobbery happening."
also, apparently one day after I raise children:
As she raises a family in the real world, she will see that attitude given voice over and over and over again, while Jesus weeps for his Church, broken and divided. 
SO from this song, she has declared that I will one day make Jesus cry. Her blog asserts this on its homepage sidebar:
God wants us to share and to encourage one another, so if you see a good idea here, please feel free to pass it along.
Well, thanks for all the sharing & encouraging, Elizabeth Foss! If judgment & hypocrisy are "good ideas" than I definitely have some things to pass along after spending a few minutes on your blog. And it's ironic that you chose a title about gentleness for this entry while being the complete opposite. Matthew 7:3-5, please and thank you. That was rude & sarcastic too. Don't care right now. Maybe that's how she felt while she was writing it... hmmm!

A few more moms posted it and opened it for comment-conversation ("comboxes" as some oldies call it). There were some who defended me and acknowledged the hypocrisy in Miss Elizabeth Foss's entry, which I appreciated... even from strangers. One entry in particular kept me from feeling sad while reading about what a Catholic snob I am. Really, moms? I'm no Catholic snob. I missed a HDO a few times ago. I have a nose ring. A NOSE RING. I'm not a little sheltered cotton headed ninny muggins looking for a cookie cutter husband. I'm a girl with standards. We're a rare breed. If you don't believe me, come to college again. Live in a dorm. Sit in the lobby on a Friday night and see how many drunk "couples" stumble in and how many hungover boys tip toe out in the morning...... all the while I've been sitting in my dorm knitting a scarf. Did I mention I have a nose ring?

1. Satisfied, Yet?
Just in general, it's like if we (college kids) don't have standards and we're like the 99% of our age group sleeping around (totally a B.S. statistic here), then we need to change! We are promiscuous; we are desecrating our bodies. We need to get ourselves over to a confessional; we need to sign up for a Theology of the Body study group. But, if we are the minority (or at least it feels like we're the minority at times) who aren't dating around... well... apparently we too need to change! We are snobs; we are self-righteous. We are delusional; we are naive. We will have unhappy marriages if we have standards now; we will one day make Jesus cry. My point is, will you - for the sake of this entry this goes out to you, mom bloggers - ever be satisfied? First we're (with "we" meaning college females) too crazy and immodest and getting drunk and "making Jesus cry" but then when we make a conscious effort to respect ourselves... we will still make Jesus cry? Will you ever be satisfied? Where is the balance? You will never be happy. You always going to find something to pick at... and blog about. Don't get me wrong- I LOVE MOM BLOGGERS! Omg especially this one. What I don't love is this whole attitude - like Foss's - that it's unreal to ask God for a love that he has taught you to desire. Everyone has different standards; everyone has a different type. I love beards, men who are good with children, and men who are Pro-Life. My friend J likes tennis players, isn't specific on denomination, and likes blonde men. Does that mean that I will break up with my super awesome best friend if No-Shave-November is a fail? Uh, no. Does that mean that my friend J wouldn't marry a soccer player? Uh, no. Actions become our habits; our habits become our character. It's not my fault that I pray for a man that has the character of someone that prays, respects life, and attends daily Mass sometimes.
So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. - Luke 11:9

2. Only Snobs Call People Snobs
-When I initially planned for this point, I was being rude. So I'm not erasing it... I'm acknowledging the fact that it was just as rude of me to make this statement (only snobs call people snobs) as it was for it to happen in the first place. Matthew 7:1-5. Matthew 7:1-5. Matthew &:1-5...

3. Delusional = Good At Photoshop
-Lastly, and mostly because I'm tired and have a great book to read before bed, if I am delusional... then I must be really good at photoshop to have created these photos of myself with this made-up imaginary boyfriend that doesn't exist. He couldn't POSSIBLY exist! Not after my checklist and my OUTLANDISH standards! By the way, in my prayer journal I have a real list of standards that is personal (and not for Elizabeth Foss to rip apart in her gentle way) and I've upheld this list for years waiting for someone to come along and - hold on.... is that a pig flying overhead? Oh wait no, it's just a really adorable picture of my really awesome Catholic boyfriend.


strength lolz
we <3 in n out


Just came up with this comparison:
Angry/bitter blogging is like drunk texting for opinionated minors. I am underage and I don't drink, but I've had friends become intoxicated and text people some things they regret...

Only plus with angry blogging is that I can delete and edit.

Oh, okay, one more super adorbs picture of my boyfriend.

I texted Ryan after I found the rude entry and told him that it was hurtful and he said:
"But it doesn't matter because those haters gonna hate and they're just jealous because you're hot and can sing. :)"

Ladies & Gentlemen, THAT kind of response is what I waited through 20 years of singlehood for. hahahahahahhaa <3

Charm & I

Charm & I have something in common- we are both deceptive. I deceived myself on November 4 when I claimed to have gotten my act together and would be on top of things.

I went home this weekend. That was nice.

Got a phone call while enjoying a morning taking in the scent of Anthropologie. My friend called to let me know that after praying at an abortion facility, he went inside to use the restroom (or maybe that was just his excuse? not sure.) and he said there were girls lined up against a wall. Most on the verge of tears, some past that point already. Just another day in the life of a Pro-Life advocate? "Hey what's up?" "Not much just went into PP to pee." Hashtag what?

Got a phone call driving back to San Marcos this afternoon from a friend who needed info about worldwide access to birth control and, ten minutes of rambling about UNFPA later, I was surprised by the things I'd said. I didn't realize I knew that much.

Also, I'm getting into a bad habit of verbally hastagging things...

This entry is pointless but I have something else to say so I'm publishing this so I can start fresh.

Sunday, November 06, 2011

shaking things up in SOWK 3312

So we have to write critiques of different studies for my Alcohol & Chemical Dependency class (social work elective) so I've somehow managed to involve religion & abortion in my first 3 critiques, pahah, and this one actually really intrigued me.

This is the article I picked.

~aNd My sUpEr sChOLaRLy rEsPoNsE:~

This article from the Elliot Institute describes the increased chance of substance abuse among post-abortive women, the likelihood of abortion among women who have substance abuse problems, and described the cycle of abuse that can form from abortion and substance abuse.
            I didn’t realize how many women begin to abuse alcohol after an abortion; I guess I had assumed more so that women would already be abusing alcohol and perhaps the impaired judgment that would result from the dependency or the negative relationship tendencies that would emerge from substance abuse could lead her to a situation where she would seek an abortion. It’s interesting that the scientific community is actually acknowledging abortion as having negative psychological and physical effects on women; I’ve found that to be very rare. According to a study of women who were pregnant prior to a history of substance abuse, 3.8 % of women abused substances after having their baby while 14.6% of women who aborted their first baby abused substances. Those statistics were astonishing to me. It makes me wonder how people can deny the negative and destructive effects that abortion has on women. Applying those statistics to annual abortion numbers, 54,000 women “may begin abusing drugs and/or alcohol as a means of dealing with post-abortion stress” annually. I personally think that number is probably a lot higher in the long run because some women may not engage in substance abuse initially but according to a recent study (British Journal of Psychiatry) post-abortive women “have an 81 percent higher risk for mental health problems and are more likely to attempt suicide, abuse alcohol and suffer depression.” It seems to me that if the woman were to first experience depression or if she were to repress the negative experience of the abortion, she may not abuse drugs or alcohol until further down the road. For that reason, I feel like the study may not have been as thorough as possible, but it did cover all of its bases on an annual scale.
            I think topics such as those discussed in this study are extremely important to the social work field. When faced with a client in a crisis pregnancy situation, some social workers may feel that it is ethical to encourage or promote abortion as an option, but this study is one reason that – in my opinion – rules abortion out as a healthy option. To care for a patient and “do no harm” it would be futile and counterproductive to recommend a procedure to a client that would very likely throw her into the arms of an addiction, a potential dependency, or make her more vulnerable to depression & mental health disorders. It is important to understand these effects so that rather than invest time into recommending the procedure, later finding an addictions counselor, or therapist to undo the trauma of what can’t be undone, a social worker can put that time and energy into locating resources and helpful materials, healthcare, and services for a client.

Friday, November 04, 2011


This weekend I really intend to get a lot of Pro-Life work done. Rorreal.
...and by "Pro-Life" work I mean mostly intraspective stuff.
I have an article I am DETERMINED to knock out in the next 48 hours and I'm actually excited to get back to researching the topic.
I also have a lot of thoughts lately about rando things in the movement that I really want to get written out so I can sort them out for myself, like religion & approaching the issues. I'm finding a lot of people lately do a crappy job at being Pro-Life and being a loving Christian. That embarrasses me.

Okay, but for now I am going to organize my BUCKET of papers and readings and notes from the NRL Academy this summer. I got so disorganized while moving that eventually I just opened all the binders & folders and dumped everything into a storage bin... now I'm dealing with it.

Also- been busy lately with school.... AND THE HUNGER GAMES SERIES. I'd forgotten what it was like to read for leisure. Ah, so nice!

Also, my bestfriendboyfriend & I carved pumpkins on Saturday. Here's my attempt at a Pro-Life pumpkin, y'all.

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