Spirituality

It's interesting to reflect on my spiritual/religious journey. As a child, I remember thinking that Jesus' tomb was the confessional room... and somehow missed the whole "the Eucharist is the literal body of Christ" thing until I was 14. Even now, my faith life is evolving, as I expect it always will. From knowing little to knowing more, believing lots and believing less, it's always in motion one way or another. A perfect example is the moral conflict I experienced most summers between 2006-2011... are bikinis okay?! This has been mostly solved by the fact that I just think one pieces are more flattering, really. It's interesting how at one point in a person's life a belief can be so strong and certain, only to later be shaken and questioned.

So where am I now? I recognize some of these stages in my memories and journals. Stage 4: "individuality vs. membership in a group," I think that's where I am. I think I've been growing a lot the past few years; growing in different ways than I might've predicted when I graduated high school, but positive growth. Do I believe these things? Why do I believe this? Do I want to be a part of this group? All questions I've had to ask myself the past few years as I've come to understand more about people and justice. Though I once made statements like, "you can't be Catholic and pro-choice," I see now that, yeah... you can... and people do. You can't be fully in line with Church doctrine - I mean obviously, and I don't think pro-choice Catholics would even argue that - but you are still a Catholic. I see the areas where my heart and the heart of the Church don't overlap and I have to think can I accept these differences? Will the Church accept these differences? The conclusion I come to every time is yes. Maybe I see Jesus too much as a hugger, a friend, and a forgiver, and maybe he's more of a hall-monitor-citation-giving type... but as I try to (re)discover who He is, I'm going to opt for the hugs.

It's funny how you can love someone (I'm talking Jesus, not Ryan) for so long and then one day realize you have no idea who they are and why you love them. As I'm writing this, it feels really raw, but it also feels therapeutic. I remember having a true and genuine understanding of loving Jesus and instances of feeling so loved by Him, but now I can't quite comprehend. No matter how many miracle-stories or "God moments" I remember, it doesn't unlock that cynical door to my heart. I remember giving friends advice and praying fervently for things and talking about God to youth at Church, but now I just don't do that. For someone who doesn't mind sharing openly about herself, even saying the name "Jesus" regarding my spiritual life and prayer life just makes me feel so vulnerable and teary. I've never felt like that before, it is odd.. I used to love talking about it all, but now... something has shifted. I almost feel too busy to dedicate time to rediscovering myself and digging deeper into my ever-evolving belief system, but something needs to give soon.

Funniest thing is that I don't dare share these vulnerable thoughts with people because:
1. Catholics at school would've tried to get me to join a (omitted sarcastic description) Bible study. Been there, done that. It's not what I need and it's not the environment I need. Making people your mission is not the kind of Gospel sharing I like.
2. Protestants I know would think that this stage I'm in is all because Catholicism is wrong and they would try to save me or would make wrong assumptions about the Church, and I'm not about that life
3. It just seems like a lot to deal with, and I have a full time internship

A survey I thought might help me to complete:
1. Why is there poverty and suffering in the world?-Poverty and suffering are a result of free will and greed. The vulnerable are only made more vulnerable with poverty, while the rich get richer. It really doesn't seem fair though, does it.
2. What is the relationship between science and religion?
-Science and religion can coexist. Religion encompasses the supernatural, which sometimes science cannot reach.
3. Why are so many people depressed?
-Well there's lots of reasons.... suffering, poverty, mental illness, unemployment, broken heart, I mean... I could go on forever.
4. What are we all so afraid of?
-Failure? Death? Not having done anything to leave behind a legacy? Not being "enough."
5. When is war justifiable?
-When one party endangers the majority, but the innocent must be spared.
6. How would God want us to respond to aggression and terrorism?
-Peace treaties, loving one another, relinquishing greed
7. How does one obtain true peace?
-Searching for God
8. What does it mean to live in the present moment?
-I think about taking deep breaths and turning off your cell phone
9. What is our greatest distraction?
-our selves. We are so absorbed in ourselves that we can't see each other.
10. Is current religion serving its purpose?
-In some ways yes, the charitable ways. In other ways, war and hate speech and dividing nations, no.
11. What happens to you after you die?
-Peace and reunion with loved ones and Jesus in heaven
12. Describe heaven and how to get there.
-I think everyone goes. I don't think anyone would truly know God, have the opportunity to understand and know God, that they would be so evil to truly reject goodness. People are abused and conditioned to be evil, but I don't blame their soul for their wrongdoings completely. God is forgiving.
13. What is the meaning of life?
-To love others and experience the love God has for us
14. Describe God.
-kind, forgiving, gentle, patient
15. What is the greatest quality humans possess?
-kindness
16. What is it that prevents people from living to their full potential?
-doubt, lack of resources (emotional, financial, physical)
17. Noverbally, by motion or gesture only, act out what you believe to be the current condition of the world.
18. What is your one wish for the world?
-That everyone could feel safe and no one would hurt anyone
19. What is wisdom and how do we gain it?
-wisdom is what is learned from experience
20. Are we all one?

-idk!


I guess now I just will go with the flow. I'm really fine. Just needed to vent this!

March For Life: Frustrations & Trip Planning Tips

On Thursday, 8 of our Bobcats For Life group headed out to DC for the March For Life. It all went well, but in retrospect there are a few things I would've done differently. DON'T GET ME WRONG, the trip was great. There were a few times I was frustrated... and these are ways that frustration could have been avoided:

 

Trip planning tip #1: Plan early, so you don't have 8 people on 5 different itineraries out of 2 different cities. The earlier you plan, the cheaper tickets are and the more likely you are to be able to find all your tickets on the same flight. Ryan and I flew together which was nice, but also had to provide a ride for 2 others who were flying out 5 hours before us, so our day started at 7:30 a.m. for our 2:00 flight...which proved to be exhausting at the day's end. 

Trip planning tip #2: Tell the group they have to bring cash- not just $20 bills, but $5s and $1s would be preferred. Just to be kind to the waiters at restaurants, do this. Also, when 2 of our group members wanted to split a cupcake that cost $3.95 plus tax, THE WORLD ALMOST ENDED. They each had a $20 bill and the total was like $4.27 so they wanted the guy working at the cupcake shop to do the math and split it, then take both of their $20 bills, then give them the change for the $40.... basically it was hell. I offered to just pay for the damn thing, but eventually - after an embarrassingly long and loud process that left the man working the register shaking his head - it got sorted out. I never carry cash with me when I'm at home, which I should, but definitely tell your group members to bring cash in small denominations to pay for food at restaurants when they won't split the check AND for times when they want to be petty and worry about who is paying $0.01 more when splitting a cupcake.

Also, make sure members realize that - if their trip was fully or partially funded by the organization or donations - they kind of don't have the right to complain about having to spend a few extra dollars at a restaurant on a meal. Believe me, I'm not saying "if people can't afford the food, they did something wrong!" but we went to affordable restaurants and fast food places the whole weekend and it bothered me so much to hear one person complain about how a meal was $12-ish when Bobcats for Life covered the member's entire plane ticket of almost $400. 

Trip planning tip #3: It's better to plan in excess and then decide to play things by ear, than to play things by ear and then have chaos. I planned our schedule for the trip and provided it to our members before leaving, but still... things could have been smoother. The biggest issue we had with this was meals. "Where do y'all want to eat?" or "What kind of food do y'all want?" never get anywhere. I planned a few meals and locations ahead of time, but when it was 11:00 p.m. and everyone was tired from flying and very hungry, it was difficult. I wish I had found a restaurant earlier so we wouldn't have had to waste so much time locating one on Yelp.

Trip planning tip #4: Mention manners ahead of time. This mostly means to say something along the lines of "Don't have your cell phone out at dinner unless you need it to be out." This translates to: "Dinner is not the time for meaningless scrolling through Facebook or Instagram. Aside from the fact that this should be common sense, leading a group of eight 18-21 year olds through this trip taught me that common sense is not all that common. At one restaurant, 6 members had phones out at once. It was just flat out embarrassing. The group should be representing the organization in a professional manner, not looking like a bunch of 8th graders at the mall. 

Trip planning tip #5: You can never be too explicit with expectations. I am NOT saying to make a bunch of rules and be all naggy about that. We had like 4 rules- 1) keep your phone on and charged all weekend. 2) always have at least one person from the group with you. 3) if you go out after 9:00 p.m., just let someone know where you & your buddy are headed. 4) text me before you depart/after you land. However, when weather predictions say that the weekend will be around 20 degrees, if you mention to one person that he should plan to wear pants and he shows up for the trip wearing shorts.... I mean.... it really just put me in a bad mood. It's the common sense thing again. I wish I had emphasized more seriously that I was not kidding that shorts aren't okay. It isn't a fashion rule, but an "I don't want to deal with you getting pneumonia" rule. This member only packed 1 long sleeved shirt and 1 hoodie also. We had to stop at Ryan's on the way out of town to get more layers. It really started my day off on the wrong foot. 

Trip planning tip #6: Couples can be dangerous. I knew that Ryan and I would be attending the Students for Life conference together and no one else was going and I knew that we had a few sightseeing things that we wanted to do during free time, but I didn't think about the consequences that multiple pairs in a small group could have. Obviously Ryan is my best friend so it is logical that we would spend time together, likewise one member had her sister there (who doesn't go to TX State so wasn't too familiar with the rest of the group) so it was way logical that they would stick together, we had one member whose boyfriend got her the free flight through work so he was flying out with her - I didn't know he was staying in DC that weekend - so I learned that they would be together, so that left 3 members without a sister or boyfriend. I figured we would do more things as a group than we did, but that was difficult when Ryan & I had to go to the conference. Also, had a member who was sick part of the time and then went to meet up with friends that she had in the area, which I later learned was actually her boyfriend (I wasn't mad, it just felt deceptive to not say something about how your boyfriend happens to live in the city you are about to visit...). SO that made 2 couples  (romantic & biological paha) in the group, 2 people in the group with boyfriends in the city, and left 2 members without a partner other than each other. It sucked for them because when we had free time and all the couples were out, they were forced to do things together and they didn't really get along. One person said she was yelled at in a museum by the other and it was just like... sad. I was bummed by the two members of the group who had boyfriends in the city that didn't attempt to include our two solo members. 

Trip planning tip #7: Provide addresses & maps & directions ahead of time. I actually did this one! However, as I have mentioned before.... common sense doesn't always come into play. Here is an example of how one conversation went that could have been prevented if this group member had utilized the information packet I provided in advance:

G: what time is Mass?
S: 5:15, all the information and the time is in the packet
G: okay!! how do we get there? can we walk?
S: take the metro, the map & the metro stop are listed in the packet.

G: okay! do you know the name of the stop?

S: it is Brookland CUA. 

G: what's the address so we know how to get there?

This was all taking place while Ryan and I were at the Students for Life conference ON TOP OF another member texting me similar questions. Eventually, I just sent out a group text with all the info anyone could ever want about our trip to the Basilica as a preemptive strike. 

Trip planning tip #7: Take members who have been very active and shown passion for the cause all year. That's all I'm going to say for now, but it is essential. Without passion for the cause, people wouldn't want to spend hours in the cold and walk for a very long time in a slow moving group for the march (which is the whole reason for the trip).

Trip planning tip #8: You can't make everyone happy, no matter how hard you try. I put lots of hours into planning this trip and doing everything I can to make sure it was an affordable and enjoyable time. It sucked to feel like I couldn't make people happy - especially the two members that were left after everyone had "paired off" - but I did everything I could. 

I'll post happy things & fun pictures & memories at a later time, ttfn!

office hours

Can't sleep and remembered that I meant to blog about a week I had in December.

I've written before about how I have trouble figuring out grief. When Jon Scharfenberger passed away, I felt strange for mourning because I really barely knew him. We had a few very brief conversations in group settings, but when he was in that accident... I felt so much pain for him. I remember crying and praying and sitting in the chapel just at a loss for words. I didn't understand how to process the grief I was experiencing because I felt like I wasn't allowed to be so sad for someone I barely knew. I think part of the reason Jon's death hit me so deeply was that he was so involved in the movement and so young - it felt so close to home. It felt like a that could've been me... or any of us kind of thing. Well that feeling returned this past December.

One of my classmates in the school of social work passed away. She, too, was a passenger in a fatal car accident. She was 25 years old and had a precious young daughter. When I received the e-mail about the news, I felt so much guilt because I was not sure who she was. This woman who I have shared classes with for the past few semesters... I couldn't even be sure if I was picturing the right person. That was just a shameful moment for me. Then I searched for her on Facebook and found her... and I wept. It was an eerie feeling reading her "about me" and "favorite quotes." The part that broke my heart twice over was about how she was so ready to graduate and get her career as a social worker going... and how she loved her babygirl more than anything in the world. It was heartbreaking to read. How can someone be here one day, in class, on Facebook... and so quickly gone the next? It really could've been any of us... it could've been me... and oh that poor little girl... only two years old. Will she even remember what her mother looks like?

I began processing what happened and dreaded going to my social work classes that week. The professors would obviously mention what happened... and sometimes bad news just doesn't get easier to hear, even when you know what's coming. It was hard keeping it together as the attendance sheet was passed around the classroom and her name was still there; her usual desk was empty in the back of the room. This reflection brings me to tears. In my second class of the day, after managing to hold it together pretty well, my professor started to share the news again in case some students had not heard about our classmate's fate. Once again, her absence from the room felt so evident. She was quiet and sat in the back of the room, seemingly unnoticed, but that day... her absence was deafening.

Our professor, a strong and confident woman, began to share the basic facts of what happened. She was gentle and rehearsed... then she broke. She said, "I'm sorry - I told myself I wouldn't do this - " and she cried for a minute. I sat in the far back left corner of the room and I just put my head against the wall and let my hair cover my face and closed my eyes. She continued, "I just - can't believe it. Just on Thursday she was in my office hours and we were talking and now -- " and she cried.

The week went on and deadlines for our huge papers came up and questions about grad school dug knives into my stomach. I felt terrible. I felt the same mix of grief, guilt, why-not-me that I'd felt after Jon's passing. I guess I should be grateful for that confusion because it means I have not had to grieve the loss of too many loved ones in my life, but it was still hard. Eventually, my emotional and mental stress manifested itself in my schoolwork. I did terribly on an assignment I worked so long on. I just felt so depressed. Hopeless. So I went in to my professor's office hours thinking we would discuss my paper after she so graciously allowed me to go through it again.

I ended up crying in her office and a deeply buried existential crisis came out of nowhere in the form of "AM I EVEN GOING TO BE A GOOD SOCIAL WORKER?" and turned into a whole life-purpose questioning. My fears about my resume - how it is nearly 100% pro-life related - emerged. "SOCIAL WORKERS THINK 'PRO-LIFE' MEANS CRAZY. NO ONE WILL EVER WANT ME AT THEIR GRAD SCHOOL." And I just broke down (sense a recurring theme for this week? take a shot every time I have a breakdown... you'll be drunk in no time!). Luckily, this was no ordinary professor. This was a woman who loves what she does, cares about her students, and is basically who I want to be when I am a social worker one day. I've taken her for 3 classes and have gotten to know her somewhat personally and have grown to respect her immensely. After a week faced with fear of my own future, experiencing the termination of another's future, grief, stress, and self-doubt, she said one of the kindest things anyone has ever said to me. We spoke about the abundance of pro-life work on my resume and how it can be phrased to appeal to individuals who may not be pro-life and, knowing she is pro-choice, that gave me comfort. She told me that I could be a social worker and still maintain my values and she said, "you wouldn't judge women who have had abortions, you wouldn't judge men who abuse their children." Oh and I tell you, just that little bit of confidence in me that she had in that statement...it's what I needed to keep from spiraling further into crisis mode. I don't even know why I'm writing about this but I just want to remember it one day. I wish I could have recorded that conversation, minus my sniffling and blowing my nose, and I could just listen when I am feeling like the only one of my kind in a sea of "choice." I don't know why I wrote this, really, but I can't sleep and started thinking about that comment my professor made to me and then reflecting on Amanda's passing and it just felt good to get that out.

(from BHLDN pinterest)

"you seem different"

The title of this post is what someone said to me last week. I ran into a girl I lived in the dorms with my freshman year (three years ago) and we caught up on each others' lives. She said that I seemed different. I said in response, "thank you. I think I am."

The beginning of my pro-life work was a choice for me; it was my own little fiat. However, it felt like a whirlwind. I think that moving away from home for the first time and entering this whole new dimension of college definitely made me cling to anything I could that seemed constant. For me, I knew my pro-life beliefs to be sacred and I hold that truth in my heart now, but at the time, it seemed that being pro-life meant being surrounded by pro-life people and those pro-life people were all pro-guns everywhere, anti-gay people ever experiencing any form of joy, anti-anything Obama ever said... even if he said "I like Mountain Dew" or something as inconsequential as that. I thought to myself, "I am pro-life, do they expect me to be this?" I knew I couldn't be that person and I didn't want to be that person. In a way, it's like I was going on a road trip with conservative people but once I got in the car I just put my iPod in and blasted pro-life things into my ear to tune out those things I disagreed with. Does this make sense?

I am different now. I have experienced what some may call self discovery, others may say that I have been liberalized by an evil public education system. I like to think that I have discovered the heart of compassion and I am trying to take up residence there. The rent is low and the peace is free.

I am different now. Life prescribed me some chill pills and I've learned that whispered truth is more effective than a megaphone. I think some of these changes have been due in part to switching my major to social work. It is ironic, because there is not much outspoken support for pro-life views in my social work classes... aside from some of my own interjections here and there, there really isn't any. Despite the difference of values in that arena, I find so much common ground and common compassion for the good of the human being - aside from the period of conception until birth. I find that these people in my classes share many of my values. These people are veterans, caseworkers, lesbians, gay men, Muslims, atheists, vegans, Christians, mothers, fathers, liberals. I love the diversity and I love the sharing that goes on in the classrooms. I love that they have taught me from their shared experiences. I love that they have, in their own small ways, made me different.

I think back on freshman year and wonder how many people I rubbed the wrong way because I just didn't have myself figured out. Hell, I still don't have myself figured out. I am grateful though for that chance encounter with my old friend. Those words were just what I needed for another bout of introspection.

crape myrtles

I wrote a really long post, but it was too much and I'm too jumbled to make sense of my thoughts this late, so here's this picture I found on google images from Saldivia-Jones photog (the picture was relevant to the entry I just erased):

what I learned in 2011

365 days ago
I feel almost required to sum up the year in a blog post. Reflecting back on the past year & past blog posts, I kind of laughed to myself as I read my January 2, 2011 post:

My Pro-Life new year's resolution: more compassion. The "I know I'm right, how can anyone think differently" attitude has to go and an "I am lucky enough to have been granted understanding and wisdom at a young age and it is my duty to share what I've learned and help those in difficult situations and love those that think I'm crazy" attitude needs to come in.

 Did I accomplish this goal? I believe I made some positive strides towards improving my attitude, but much can always be done in the field of compassion. One thing I noticed that has changed in the past 365 days is that I don't allow my spirit to be crushed by others quite as easily; my heart still aches for those hurt by the injustices of our world, but I've realized that allowing my sadness to paralyze me really helps no one.

What I learned in 2011

• the value of the individual
  Meeting a homeless man named Chris while in D.C. for the March for Life was one of the most incredible hours of my life. Taking time to talk to strangers was a huge part of my growth this year and Chris was the first who opened my eyes to the poor & suffering, my ears to the stories of the homeless, and my heart to those in need.
• the power of good
  Also at the March for Life, feeling the presence of hundreds of thousands of people who share many different beliefs, but the common goal & belief in ending abortion... that was just what I needed to refresh my weary heart.
• the surrender to calling
  Realizing that double-majoring in Creative Writing and Spanish was not for me was long overdue. Thanks to an incredible teacher, Stacie McGee (if anyone Googles her and this page comes up, all I have to say is TAKE. HER. CLASS.), I decided to switch my major to Social Work after my first day in Intro to Social Work. Now I am OFFICIALLY a Social Work major and I feel that this is what I was intended for.
• the shame of irresponsibility
  One of the most painful and embarrassing lessons I have had to learn... don't bite off more than you can chew. I did that this year and I am still catching up from everything I delayed and everyone I have let down. Still, I can't think too much about my failures of this year because it literally makes me sick with just feeling bad, but I plan to make up for this in 2012, because being afraid to check voicemails, emails, and answer the phone shouldn't be scary... and when you let like 5 people down every week, it gets scary.
• the importance of taking care of myself
  This goes hand in hand with the shame of irresponsibility. When I take on too many tasks, I forget to take care of myself and then I make myself sick and then I can't accomplish anything and then it is just a horrible downward spiral of disappointing others, feeling nauseous, and constantly hustling to catch up.
• the joy of friendship
  This year taught me a lot about friendship, and getting older for that matter. Seemingly strong friendships that couldn't stand the test of time broke my spirit for a while this year, but it was such a short while because of the new found friendships, no, sisterhood, I discovered in my NRL Academy sisters. The whole "count your true friends on one hand" saying became more true, only I have to use both hands and probably a foot, too, but still- I'm realizing that as I get older I am just "catching up" with old friends maybe once or twice a year, because that's all we have time for. I'm only 20 and I only have time to see some of my close friends once a year. That scares me a little, but also comforts me knowing that I can count on some people with such certainty even though we see each other so rarely. This year also strengthened bonds with my TRTL Babes. One of the biggest blessings of friendship, my sweet Ryan friend who is now my super hot bearded boyfriend, also sweetened my life this year.
• the love in sacrifice
  The older I get, the more I realize my parents love me. If I think about this one too much I start to cry because I think of all the ways that I have failed them and then think of how continuously they love me and make sacrifices to ensure my happiness...kind of like how the Father loves his children. I've got really great parents.
• the fragility of life
  The passing of Jon Scharfenberger shook me in a way I didn't quite understand. I felt wrong for feeling so emotional and destroyed over his death, as I did not know him well. I spent a lot of time praying for him and thinking about him and am still incredibly inspired by his life and all the amazing work he did while he was with us on this earth. I think of him often, especially one of the first times I saw him at the NRL Convention when he was over by the doors the Republican presidential candidates were coming in and I thought to myself, wow he looks official for an intern! It scares me that death can come so quickly and so unexpectedly. I learned to appreciate those in my life more; never let the sun set upon my anger.
• the courage to carry on
  There were times when I felt so broken in 2011 that I wanted to crawl into a hole and stay there for a long time until everything was good and happy and perfect (aka forever I guess), but the resiliency of the human spirit and the uplifting power of friendship and prayers from those friends got me through. I learned that sometimes everything really feels like it sucks, and lots of those times things probably do really suck, but at the end of the day I just need to go to sleep so I can wake up. Few things are as bad in the morning as they are at night - except for a sore throat. I learned a lot about myself and my values. I recognized things in myself that I need to change- my emotional responses to things that just need to be thought out and rationalized, my negative attitudes, etc. 

I think 2011 was a good year. A lot less crying than 2010. Heck, a lot less crying than just Fall of 2010 - LOL. Tomorrow I want to write out my goals for 2012. I've got em in my mind but need to get em written out.

feeling sad & Christmas Mass

I don't know what is going on with me right now. According to my new Netflix obsession "How I Met Your Mother," nothing good ever happens after 2:00 a.m. and I suppose that is accurate. It's hard to be devoted to the cause sometimes because it can make a person feel so small at times.

One thing that got me really sad a few days ago was just thinking about how isolated I can feel when I go back to my hometown. Christmas Mass, for example, used to be one of the loneliest and most awkward times of the year. Before I could drive it was the worst. I started going to Mass when I was 14 years old and I didn't realize that Christmas Mass would be different from the LifeTeen Masses I was used to, where you could show up by yourself and find your friends and just make your own pew. No, Christmas Masses aren't something you can do solo. Before I could drive was the worst because I'd get dropped off, no big deal, but then waiting for my ride and watching all the other families pile into their vehicles with the "Keep the Christ in Christmas" or "BABY DUE" stickers... that was just awkward... and cold. Not so much the weather, but mostly just in my heart. Was that emo? Yes... but was I fourteen when I experienced these emo emotions? Yes. Makes sense!

Once I got older, a new problem arose: I am tall and could potentially look like a young wife. One year I sat at the end of a crowded pew. The usher directed me to sit next to a young father with his 3 young children. The wife left with the youngest, who was crying, and then I realized that - at 16 - I appear to be the mother of these children. Obviously this is a total stretch, but in a way Christmas Mass kind of is about appearances to some (red sweaters, dresses, coordinated couples, bows everywhere, etc.) and it appeared that I belonged to this family. I don't remember much else about that Mass except feeling so weird and wanting to leave because I was such an extra.

Now, I don't cry anymore! Go Sarah! lame. But really, now I kind of have grown to like going to Mass alone. It beats not going and I can't imagine how strange it would feel to have my family there with me. This year I had prepared myself to sit alone and I did, until a friend's family absorbed me into their pew... which I would've enjoyed, had it not been for the texting & whispering when I was really feeling like getting into a reverent mood.

These rando Christmas Mass stories are just one little way that I feel isolated when I come home. The biggest, I realized over this break, is just the gap that exists between my life and the life I share with my family. It hurts that so much of what I have done the past 3 years and so much of what I plan to do in the future is wrapped up in the Pro-Life movement, along with my heart, while my family doesn't share any of my beliefs in the matter. I love my parents and family so dearly, and they love me too, and I know they will support me in whatever I do... but it sucks to feel like I am being supported, but not my ambitions. It's like "we support you, but not necessarily what you do." I think of friends' parents who I can share my Pro-Life ventures with and sometimes I feel sad that my parents don't share that. It's like they are missing half of who I am. I resort back to this reclusive and cynical person when I come home... and I am starting to think it's because I have to turn off "Pro-Life Sarah" and this sarcastic shell of a person is all that is left. I love my parents to the end of the world and back, but I'm sad that I cannot be myself in the place where I became myself- my childhood home. I feel like a lot of what I am expressing can be summed up in that moment where I am dressed and ready for Mass and leave in the middle of our family Christmas celebration, with extended family over and all, and it's kind of like everyone does their own thing... and Sarah goes off to do her little church thing. How much more open am I with Pro-Life friends I have only known for a short time? How much more do my NRL Academy girls understand me than my own family? Oh dear, now I'm crying.

Well... I'm waking up in 6 hours to take maternity photos for a friend, so I should be going to bed. Actually, I've been in bed for 2 hours but just can't sleep, so I guess I should be going to sleep.

haters they gonna hate

In the words of 3LW, "playas gon' play and haters they gon' hate." Tonight I will be complaining about a low profile hater group- Catholic mom bloggers.

I'm going to try to remove a judgmental and biased tone from this entry... social worker practice, or something.

I have 3 points to address:
1. Satisfied, Yet?
2. Only Snobs Call People Snobs
3. Delusional = Good At Photoshop

Some background on my grievances:
About a year and a half ago I wrote a song called "My Catholic Boy," not to be confused with my 2007 smash hit "God's Saving Me A Hottie." "My Catholic Boy" was intended to put to music some of the things that I, and other young women in my friend group, would enjoy in a significant other. The song was intended to shed a humorous light on my humorous dating life (non-existent). The song was a way for me to say hey, I'm single, I'm Catholic, I've got standards, I'm patient, I'm waiting for a great guy. 

The song was only posted in response to the widely reposted "Catholic Pickup Line Song" because, when it first came out, every semi to very devout Catholic college aged girl I know was drooling over David Casper who could sing, play guitar, and was a Catholic lyrical sweet talker; some lyrics from his song are: "what would you say, babe, if I told you that you reminded me of Mary?" So, if you are reading this and you are in your 40's and you can't wait until your Bunco group tonight so you can talk about this little Catholic snob, hope you read this paragraph carefully. Notice how there was never mention of a "checklist" or of "requirements" for a spouse? Was there ever a part of this paragraph that implied I feel that I am better than anyone else? If so- please enlighten me, because I'm probably a little bit more familiar with my song than you are - considering I wrote it and stuff. This is the song that got the mom bloggers flying with accusatory language:

I discovered the first rude & judgmental blog entry just hours after I'd settled into my dorm in D.C. this summer when I was spending 5 weeks taking classes at the National Right to Life office. I'm such a snob that I defend the unborn- what kind of delusional person am I! Oops. That was biased & sarcastic. I'm not deleting it though. This mom-blogger writes:

"There is a harshness, a sort of snobbery happening."

also, apparently one day after I raise children:

As she raises a family in the real world, she will see that attitude given voice over and over and over again, while Jesus weeps for his Church, broken and divided. 

SO from this song, she has declared that I will one day make Jesus cry. Her blog asserts this on its homepage sidebar:

God wants us to share and to encourage one another, so if you see a good idea here, please feel free to pass it along.

Well, thanks for all the sharing & encouraging, Elizabeth Foss! If judgment & hypocrisy are "good ideas" than I definitely have some things to pass along after spending a few minutes on your blog. And it's ironic that you chose a title about gentleness for this entry while being the complete opposite. Matthew 7:3-5, please and thank you. That was rude & sarcastic too. Don't care right now. Maybe that's how she felt while she was writing it... hmmm!


A few more moms posted it and opened it for comment-conversation ("comboxes" as some oldies call it). There were some who defended me and acknowledged the hypocrisy in Miss Elizabeth Foss's entry, which I appreciated... even from strangers. One entry in particular kept me from feeling sad while reading about what a Catholic snob I am. Really, moms? I'm no Catholic snob. I missed a HDO a few times ago. I have a nose ring. A NOSE RING. I'm not a little sheltered cotton headed ninny muggins looking for a cookie cutter husband. I'm a girl with standards. We're a rare breed. If you don't believe me, come to college again. Live in a dorm. Sit in the lobby on a Friday night and see how many drunk "couples" stumble in and how many hungover boys tip toe out in the morning...... all the while I've been sitting in my dorm knitting a scarf. Did I mention I have a nose ring?


1. Satisfied, Yet?
Just in general, it's like if we (college kids) don't have standards and we're like the 99% of our age group sleeping around (totally a B.S. statistic here), then we need to change! We are promiscuous; we are desecrating our bodies. We need to get ourselves over to a confessional; we need to sign up for a Theology of the Body study group. But, if we are the minority (or at least it feels like we're the minority at times) who aren't dating around... well... apparently we too need to change! We are snobs; we are self-righteous. We are delusional; we are naive. We will have unhappy marriages if we have standards now; we will one day make Jesus cry. My point is, will you - for the sake of this entry this goes out to you, mom bloggers - ever be satisfied? First we're (with "we" meaning college females) too crazy and immodest and getting drunk and "making Jesus cry" but then when we make a conscious effort to respect ourselves... we will still make Jesus cry? Will you ever be satisfied? Where is the balance? You will never be happy. You always going to find something to pick at... and blog about. Don't get me wrong- I LOVE MOM BLOGGERS! Omg especially this one. What I don't love is this whole attitude - like Foss's - that it's unreal to ask God for a love that he has taught you to desire. Everyone has different standards; everyone has a different type. I love beards, men who are good with children, and men who are Pro-Life. My friend J likes tennis players, isn't specific on denomination, and likes blonde men. Does that mean that I will break up with my super awesome best friend if No-Shave-November is a fail? Uh, no. Does that mean that my friend J wouldn't marry a soccer player? Uh, no. Actions become our habits; our habits become our character. It's not my fault that I pray for a man that has the character of someone that prays, respects life, and attends daily Mass sometimes.

So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. - Luke 11:9

2. Only Snobs Call People Snobs
-When I initially planned for this point, I was being rude. So I'm not erasing it... I'm acknowledging the fact that it was just as rude of me to make this statement (only snobs call people snobs) as it was for it to happen in the first place. Matthew 7:1-5. Matthew 7:1-5. Matthew &:1-5...

3. Delusional = Good At Photoshop
-Lastly, and mostly because I'm tired and have a great book to read before bed, if I am delusional... then I must be really good at photoshop to have created these photos of myself with this made-up imaginary boyfriend that doesn't exist. He couldn't POSSIBLY exist! Not after my checklist and my OUTLANDISH standards! By the way, in my prayer journal I have a real list of standards that is personal (and not for Elizabeth Foss to rip apart in her gentle way) and I've upheld this list for years waiting for someone to come along and - hold on.... is that a pig flying overhead? Oh wait no, it's just a really adorable picture of my really awesome Catholic boyfriend.

happiness

smiles

strength lolz

we <3 in n out

NOSE RING ALERT!

Just came up with this comparison:

Angry/bitter blogging is like drunk texting for opinionated minors. I am underage and I don't drink, but I've had friends become intoxicated and text people some things they regret...

Only plus with angry blogging is that I can delete and edit.

Oh, okay, one more super adorbs picture of my boyfriend.

I texted Ryan after I found the rude entry and told him that it was hurtful and he said:

"But it doesn't matter because those haters gonna hate and they're just jealous because you're hot and can sing. :)"

Ladies & Gentlemen, THAT kind of response is what I waited through 20 years of singlehood for. hahahahahahhaa <3