craft & LOL

huge LOL as I realize my blog title was spelled wrong the past few days.

P.S. I made this yesterday:

today I played with some adorable preschoolers and I am caught up on all 7 seasons of How I Met Your Mother... which means it's time to wake up from winter hibernation.

what I learned in 2011

365 days ago
I feel almost required to sum up the year in a blog post. Reflecting back on the past year & past blog posts, I kind of laughed to myself as I read my January 2, 2011 post:

My Pro-Life new year's resolution: more compassion. The "I know I'm right, how can anyone think differently" attitude has to go and an "I am lucky enough to have been granted understanding and wisdom at a young age and it is my duty to share what I've learned and help those in difficult situations and love those that think I'm crazy" attitude needs to come in.

 Did I accomplish this goal? I believe I made some positive strides towards improving my attitude, but much can always be done in the field of compassion. One thing I noticed that has changed in the past 365 days is that I don't allow my spirit to be crushed by others quite as easily; my heart still aches for those hurt by the injustices of our world, but I've realized that allowing my sadness to paralyze me really helps no one.

What I learned in 2011

• the value of the individual
  Meeting a homeless man named Chris while in D.C. for the March for Life was one of the most incredible hours of my life. Taking time to talk to strangers was a huge part of my growth this year and Chris was the first who opened my eyes to the poor & suffering, my ears to the stories of the homeless, and my heart to those in need.
• the power of good
  Also at the March for Life, feeling the presence of hundreds of thousands of people who share many different beliefs, but the common goal & belief in ending abortion... that was just what I needed to refresh my weary heart.
• the surrender to calling
  Realizing that double-majoring in Creative Writing and Spanish was not for me was long overdue. Thanks to an incredible teacher, Stacie McGee (if anyone Googles her and this page comes up, all I have to say is TAKE. HER. CLASS.), I decided to switch my major to Social Work after my first day in Intro to Social Work. Now I am OFFICIALLY a Social Work major and I feel that this is what I was intended for.
• the shame of irresponsibility
  One of the most painful and embarrassing lessons I have had to learn... don't bite off more than you can chew. I did that this year and I am still catching up from everything I delayed and everyone I have let down. Still, I can't think too much about my failures of this year because it literally makes me sick with just feeling bad, but I plan to make up for this in 2012, because being afraid to check voicemails, emails, and answer the phone shouldn't be scary... and when you let like 5 people down every week, it gets scary.
• the importance of taking care of myself
  This goes hand in hand with the shame of irresponsibility. When I take on too many tasks, I forget to take care of myself and then I make myself sick and then I can't accomplish anything and then it is just a horrible downward spiral of disappointing others, feeling nauseous, and constantly hustling to catch up.
• the joy of friendship
  This year taught me a lot about friendship, and getting older for that matter. Seemingly strong friendships that couldn't stand the test of time broke my spirit for a while this year, but it was such a short while because of the new found friendships, no, sisterhood, I discovered in my NRL Academy sisters. The whole "count your true friends on one hand" saying became more true, only I have to use both hands and probably a foot, too, but still- I'm realizing that as I get older I am just "catching up" with old friends maybe once or twice a year, because that's all we have time for. I'm only 20 and I only have time to see some of my close friends once a year. That scares me a little, but also comforts me knowing that I can count on some people with such certainty even though we see each other so rarely. This year also strengthened bonds with my TRTL Babes. One of the biggest blessings of friendship, my sweet Ryan friend who is now my super hot bearded boyfriend, also sweetened my life this year.
• the love in sacrifice
  The older I get, the more I realize my parents love me. If I think about this one too much I start to cry because I think of all the ways that I have failed them and then think of how continuously they love me and make sacrifices to ensure my happiness...kind of like how the Father loves his children. I've got really great parents.
• the fragility of life
  The passing of Jon Scharfenberger shook me in a way I didn't quite understand. I felt wrong for feeling so emotional and destroyed over his death, as I did not know him well. I spent a lot of time praying for him and thinking about him and am still incredibly inspired by his life and all the amazing work he did while he was with us on this earth. I think of him often, especially one of the first times I saw him at the NRL Convention when he was over by the doors the Republican presidential candidates were coming in and I thought to myself, wow he looks official for an intern! It scares me that death can come so quickly and so unexpectedly. I learned to appreciate those in my life more; never let the sun set upon my anger.
• the courage to carry on
  There were times when I felt so broken in 2011 that I wanted to crawl into a hole and stay there for a long time until everything was good and happy and perfect (aka forever I guess), but the resiliency of the human spirit and the uplifting power of friendship and prayers from those friends got me through. I learned that sometimes everything really feels like it sucks, and lots of those times things probably do really suck, but at the end of the day I just need to go to sleep so I can wake up. Few things are as bad in the morning as they are at night - except for a sore throat. I learned a lot about myself and my values. I recognized things in myself that I need to change- my emotional responses to things that just need to be thought out and rationalized, my negative attitudes, etc. 

I think 2011 was a good year. A lot less crying than 2010. Heck, a lot less crying than just Fall of 2010 - LOL. Tomorrow I want to write out my goals for 2012. I've got em in my mind but need to get em written out.

feeling sad & Christmas Mass

I don't know what is going on with me right now. According to my new Netflix obsession "How I Met Your Mother," nothing good ever happens after 2:00 a.m. and I suppose that is accurate. It's hard to be devoted to the cause sometimes because it can make a person feel so small at times.

One thing that got me really sad a few days ago was just thinking about how isolated I can feel when I go back to my hometown. Christmas Mass, for example, used to be one of the loneliest and most awkward times of the year. Before I could drive it was the worst. I started going to Mass when I was 14 years old and I didn't realize that Christmas Mass would be different from the LifeTeen Masses I was used to, where you could show up by yourself and find your friends and just make your own pew. No, Christmas Masses aren't something you can do solo. Before I could drive was the worst because I'd get dropped off, no big deal, but then waiting for my ride and watching all the other families pile into their vehicles with the "Keep the Christ in Christmas" or "BABY DUE" stickers... that was just awkward... and cold. Not so much the weather, but mostly just in my heart. Was that emo? Yes... but was I fourteen when I experienced these emo emotions? Yes. Makes sense!

Once I got older, a new problem arose: I am tall and could potentially look like a young wife. One year I sat at the end of a crowded pew. The usher directed me to sit next to a young father with his 3 young children. The wife left with the youngest, who was crying, and then I realized that - at 16 - I appear to be the mother of these children. Obviously this is a total stretch, but in a way Christmas Mass kind of is about appearances to some (red sweaters, dresses, coordinated couples, bows everywhere, etc.) and it appeared that I belonged to this family. I don't remember much else about that Mass except feeling so weird and wanting to leave because I was such an extra.

Now, I don't cry anymore! Go Sarah! lame. But really, now I kind of have grown to like going to Mass alone. It beats not going and I can't imagine how strange it would feel to have my family there with me. This year I had prepared myself to sit alone and I did, until a friend's family absorbed me into their pew... which I would've enjoyed, had it not been for the texting & whispering when I was really feeling like getting into a reverent mood.

These rando Christmas Mass stories are just one little way that I feel isolated when I come home. The biggest, I realized over this break, is just the gap that exists between my life and the life I share with my family. It hurts that so much of what I have done the past 3 years and so much of what I plan to do in the future is wrapped up in the Pro-Life movement, along with my heart, while my family doesn't share any of my beliefs in the matter. I love my parents and family so dearly, and they love me too, and I know they will support me in whatever I do... but it sucks to feel like I am being supported, but not my ambitions. It's like "we support you, but not necessarily what you do." I think of friends' parents who I can share my Pro-Life ventures with and sometimes I feel sad that my parents don't share that. It's like they are missing half of who I am. I resort back to this reclusive and cynical person when I come home... and I am starting to think it's because I have to turn off "Pro-Life Sarah" and this sarcastic shell of a person is all that is left. I love my parents to the end of the world and back, but I'm sad that I cannot be myself in the place where I became myself- my childhood home. I feel like a lot of what I am expressing can be summed up in that moment where I am dressed and ready for Mass and leave in the middle of our family Christmas celebration, with extended family over and all, and it's kind of like everyone does their own thing... and Sarah goes off to do her little church thing. How much more open am I with Pro-Life friends I have only known for a short time? How much more do my NRL Academy girls understand me than my own family? Oh dear, now I'm crying.

Well... I'm waking up in 6 hours to take maternity photos for a friend, so I should be going to bed. Actually, I've been in bed for 2 hours but just can't sleep, so I guess I should be going to sleep.

why do you not drive a station wagon?

This video encompasses so much of what has been annoying me lately. Love it.

"Why do you not drive a station wagon? Your car is too nice for someone with food stamps."

lucky problems

Wednesday morning = doctor's appointment & I was like: whaaaat?
Wednesday afternoon = spent with Ryan on a boat & I was like: I'm so lucky.

I went to a new doctor this week to address some not fun symptoms I've been experiencing. I didn't think anything would really be wrong or anything, just thought I'd get some medicine and get out of there. I ended up getting a little bit lost on the way to his office and then encountering a really terrible accident in Kyle and then arriving 15 minutes late; I'm never late. Anyways, the doctor was amazing and brilliant and I loved him except for the problems he said he was concerned about regarding my situation (the internet is no place to get specific, y'all know that). Like, I'm just an everyday 20 year old college student going about her business and not getting into any trouble; nothing could be wrong with me... but after hearing about what he thinks I am suffering from, I started to take everything in and realize it wasn't something I'd heard about happening to someone else. He proceeded on to tell me how he would address the problem and the words "surgery" and "anesthesia" were casually thrown around.

I was thinking about the doctor visit later on that afternoon. After venting and confiding in a close friend about everything going on, I realized that my main concern at this point was just the potential pain of the surgery and just the thought of surgery. At no point during the day was I concerned, worried, or stressed about the cost. That's when I realized how lucky I am.

To be sick and have to worry not only about getting better and surviving, but having to worry about whether getting your medication will mean not feeding your children... that is what some people face. The next day when I went to pick up my prescription, the girl at Walgreens said, "That'll be two-ninety-two." I said, "oh my God, like two hundred and ninety two dollars...?" and she laughed at me. Praise the Lord... it was $2.92. The thing I realized, though, is that $2.92 is to some people what $292.00 is to me.

OH, some good news I want to throw in really quickly because good news is so rare this week- I was officially accepted into the School of Social Work this week.

This past semester, one of my social work classes focused in a lot on poverty and welfare. I had no idea what it meant to live on minimum wage. Some of the documentaries we were shown... just wow. This poor woman whose husband left her with her 3 dependent children. She had been working as a waitress for years. She was getting fewer and fewer hours due to a change in restaurant management. She could no longer afford her car. Her car was taken away. She had no way of getting to work. Her middle daughter was lashing out from the trauma of the divorce and became violent, needed therapy.With no car while living in the country in a home she couldn't afford or sell, going to work was nearly impossible. After divorce, men are financially far better off than women. At one point, her daughter offered her the $15 she had saved in her piggy bank. I don't remember how this woman's particular story ended, I just remember the scenes of her crying at the end of days where she had literally done everything she could... but it wasn't enough.

I'm going to be a social worker and I'm going to help people. No one should suffer like that. More on my social work aspirations another day.

I'm pretty lucky this week with all the problems that life has thrown at me: my weird diagnoses... at least I am insured and can go to a great doctor! my flat tire problem... at least I have an amazing boyfriend who was with me when it happened, and at least I am so incredibly and undeservingly fortunate to have a dependable vehicle (this is the first problem I've had with my little buggy)! I was almost positive my computer was completely broken today and I was so mad... but at least I have a computer to begin with and have access to computers at my university if something should happen to mine and I cannot replace it!

It's a week of "at least"s and I'm trying to stay on top of everything... but it's hard. Thank God for Ryan, my continually forgiving & tolerant parents, and my NRL Academy sisters who support me at all times.