feeling sad & Christmas Mass

I don't know what is going on with me right now. According to my new Netflix obsession "How I Met Your Mother," nothing good ever happens after 2:00 a.m. and I suppose that is accurate. It's hard to be devoted to the cause sometimes because it can make a person feel so small at times.

One thing that got me really sad a few days ago was just thinking about how isolated I can feel when I go back to my hometown. Christmas Mass, for example, used to be one of the loneliest and most awkward times of the year. Before I could drive it was the worst. I started going to Mass when I was 14 years old and I didn't realize that Christmas Mass would be different from the LifeTeen Masses I was used to, where you could show up by yourself and find your friends and just make your own pew. No, Christmas Masses aren't something you can do solo. Before I could drive was the worst because I'd get dropped off, no big deal, but then waiting for my ride and watching all the other families pile into their vehicles with the "Keep the Christ in Christmas" or "BABY DUE" stickers... that was just awkward... and cold. Not so much the weather, but mostly just in my heart. Was that emo? Yes... but was I fourteen when I experienced these emo emotions? Yes. Makes sense!

Once I got older, a new problem arose: I am tall and could potentially look like a young wife. One year I sat at the end of a crowded pew. The usher directed me to sit next to a young father with his 3 young children. The wife left with the youngest, who was crying, and then I realized that - at 16 - I appear to be the mother of these children. Obviously this is a total stretch, but in a way Christmas Mass kind of is about appearances to some (red sweaters, dresses, coordinated couples, bows everywhere, etc.) and it appeared that I belonged to this family. I don't remember much else about that Mass except feeling so weird and wanting to leave because I was such an extra.

Now, I don't cry anymore! Go Sarah! lame. But really, now I kind of have grown to like going to Mass alone. It beats not going and I can't imagine how strange it would feel to have my family there with me. This year I had prepared myself to sit alone and I did, until a friend's family absorbed me into their pew... which I would've enjoyed, had it not been for the texting & whispering when I was really feeling like getting into a reverent mood.

These rando Christmas Mass stories are just one little way that I feel isolated when I come home. The biggest, I realized over this break, is just the gap that exists between my life and the life I share with my family. It hurts that so much of what I have done the past 3 years and so much of what I plan to do in the future is wrapped up in the Pro-Life movement, along with my heart, while my family doesn't share any of my beliefs in the matter. I love my parents and family so dearly, and they love me too, and I know they will support me in whatever I do... but it sucks to feel like I am being supported, but not my ambitions. It's like "we support you, but not necessarily what you do." I think of friends' parents who I can share my Pro-Life ventures with and sometimes I feel sad that my parents don't share that. It's like they are missing half of who I am. I resort back to this reclusive and cynical person when I come home... and I am starting to think it's because I have to turn off "Pro-Life Sarah" and this sarcastic shell of a person is all that is left. I love my parents to the end of the world and back, but I'm sad that I cannot be myself in the place where I became myself- my childhood home. I feel like a lot of what I am expressing can be summed up in that moment where I am dressed and ready for Mass and leave in the middle of our family Christmas celebration, with extended family over and all, and it's kind of like everyone does their own thing... and Sarah goes off to do her little church thing. How much more open am I with Pro-Life friends I have only known for a short time? How much more do my NRL Academy girls understand me than my own family? Oh dear, now I'm crying.

Well... I'm waking up in 6 hours to take maternity photos for a friend, so I should be going to bed. Actually, I've been in bed for 2 hours but just can't sleep, so I guess I should be going to sleep.