March For Life happiness

We went to the March For Life last week, as mentioned in my previous post, and had a great time. When I say "we" I mean Bobcats For Life. However, I think the part of the weekend that was most special for me was just getting to share it with Ryan. I mean, he is a part of Bobcats For Life, but having him there as my boyfriend and my best friend, not just as a member of the organization, was special to me. He visited me in DC when I was there for the NRL Academy so it was nice to be back there together again.

Ryan is so special to me. When we arrived on Thursday night, we were both experiencing some pretty bad ear discomfort. I felt pretty stressed out and now in pain from ear issues and I kind of just wanted to go to bed and wake up again feeling great. Unfortunately, the night continued to be stressful with the 8 of us trying to find food in the cold at 11 p.m. and my hearing slowly fading away. Once we all got back to the hotel after dinner, I just couldn't handle the pain in my ears. It was just so terrible; it wasn't the normal airplane ear discomfort. Ryan stayed by my side throughout my whole ordeal. He went with me down to the lobby so I could cry without worrying about waking up anyone in the room. He searched on Google for cures (which, by the way, are bullshit. Yawning? nope. Gum chewing? tried it. Plugging your nose and blowing? don't want permanent ear drum damage.) and sat there with me as I cried and cried and used up a box of tissues from my tears and runny nose. He called his mom for motherly advice at 2 a.m. when my mom didn't answer (she did later, to her credit.). He searched online for a 24 hour clinic, but to no avail. He talked me through it all. Honestly, he handled himself like a social worker would. I recognized in him some listening and reflecting skills that I'd read about in my textbook that day. At the end of the night, after lots of phone calls to my insurance company's 24 hour nurse hotline and to our moms and a can of ginger ale, I ended up taking melatonin & ibuprofen and falling asleep on some hot hands. I woke up the next morning feeling so much better. I was so grateful for the care that Ryan provided me, despite how tired he was from such a long and exhausting day of travel and his own ear discomfort. How lucky am I.

The next morning was the Holocaust museum and the Rally. Before the rally, Ryan went with me to visit National Right to Life's office. I hadn't been back since the Academy and, even though I don't really have a relationship with anyone that was there that day, it just felt nice to go back into that building where I spent such a wonderful summer. This is where I got to be reunited with one of my Academy sisters- Erin (pictured above)! It was one of those dramatic "see each other from afar and run up" hugs. It felt so wonderful to see one of the girls in person after 1.5 years of staying so close through our online thread. I really feel so close to these wonderful women, even if we are all across the country doing so many different things. It is so great to be a part of a group of women and be the least lovely. I don't know if that makes sense, but these ladies are all just so much better than me, in that they all just make me want to go do good and be patient and respond to crises with prayer and not with angry emails. They have provided me with so much kind and thoughtful counsel since we met and I am just so lucky to have them to lift me up from this bitter & impatient place I feel like I have fallen into. How lucky I am to be the worst of us and to be able to benefit from so much grace that they share with me.

The Rally was great. It was so much better than the rally in 2011. Seriously. I was really actually inspired by some of the speakers, namely (and surprisingly) Senator Santorum. I didn't think he would really go the emotional route; I thought it would be more of a political speech than a personal testimony. It was really nice.  The thing that everyone from our group mentioned feeling inspired by was just the sense of being surrounded by so many people with a similar passion for protecting life. Sometimes I feel so exhausted, almost like swimming upstream, fighting this battle... but in this whole crowd, it's like you're just swept away by all the supporters. It's nice to just go with the flow; it feels safe in a way to just be able to let your guard down and not worry about having to fight for a little bit. I didn't see a single protester. I did hear some cray guy protesting the Cardinal that spoke.... but that was a really inappropriate time for that little outburst. Sad part of the March was that the whole reason we flew out to DC from Texas was to March for Life... and only 3 out of 8 of us actually finished the March. Everyone got too cold (and I don't blame em! I couldn't have lasted much longer.) and ended up going indoors to museums. I think 2 more might have finished the March after warming up. It was just a bummer we couldn't all march together. Oh well! Got to run into a friend who is now with the Sisters of Mary Mother of the Eucharist while on the march! It was a beautiful surprise. So lovely to see her looking so happy.

The rest of the weekend was great. Ryan and I did a lot of fun things together during free time. We got to meet up with a friend of mine who just graduated from Baylor and had moved to the city 4 days prior. It was so much fun meeting her & her roommate; we had a wonderful time! It was beautiful to see snow on the ground, an old friend's face, and Ryan in his winter hat. So many wonderful sights to see - and I don't even mean the monuments or museums. The bouncer at the bar we went to was playing Angry Birds so we talked about that for a while (just wanted to remember this hilarious moment in years to come). We also went to a bar we had found on Yelp a few weeks back and were so excited to see that the drinks were as awesome as the reviews suggested (Stan's Restaurant, folks!).
The next day, Ryan and I went to the Students for Life of America conference. I felt a little old for it, to be honest. After spending so much time in this movement as a college student, it just felt like stuff I had already heard a hundred times and also stuff I didn't think was relevant. Had a social worker conscience twinge when some guy - who I obviously didn't enjoy because I don't even remember his name - went on some rant about how the "COEXIST" bumper stickers are evil. Well, I'll rant about how wrong he is another day, but I wasn't going to sit there and have my soul cry from listening to such ignorance so Ryan and I went to check out the booths and I got to meet some sweet ladies from Feminists for Life. I think that was the highlight of the conference for me. We didn't stay the whole time. I do think it is a good experience for high schoolers and college students that are new to the movement and want to be in the pro-life movement with a very religious emphasis. I, however, am not about that. Another post on that someday. lolz. I appreciated the opportunity to attend though. It was inspiring to see so many teens gathered in one room for life.

That night, we went to the Basilica for Mass. Only bummer is that by the time we got there, the place was packed & standing room only.... and it was HOT. I felt really faint and couldn't stay in the main church area with all that heat, so I went downstairs to my favorite spot in the whole place. The chapel of Our Lady of Brezje. Something about this place has drawn me in since the first time I was there in January 2011. I ended up praying there after traveling 1,500 miles from San Marcos to D.C. only to run into the person who hurt me more than I'd ever been hurt before and had not seen in 6 months. What were the odds of that? I'd say close to slim. But after that chance/freak encounter I remember feeling so shaky and uneasy. Gosh, when I saw this person I honestly felt like I was in a bad dream. I immediately whispered to Reese, "he's here" and she knew exactly what I meant. I ended up speaking to this person - civilly, as considering unposted circumstances, there wouldn't have been a way for me to speak to him uncivilly - and walking away. That was the last time I saw him. Shaken from an unexpected trip to a dark time from the previous summer, I went wandering around the lower church to look at the chapels. There were hundreds of people down there for overflow seating from the upper church. People were in almost every chapel, praying or looking or taking pictures, but this one was empty... and it has always been empty everytime I have been there. I remember kneeling there and crying and feeling comfort in the fact that I had no one around to ask if I'm okay or try to talk to me. I remember just wanting to cry. The wall on the right had a quote engraved in it that may have been chiseled in the marble just for me in that moment:

and I kind of understood that the whole experience maybe just needed to happen. God needed me stuck in overflow seating and needed that person to be across the country in the lower church wearing that ensemble standing with that group of his colleagues - to prevent an uncivil discourse or tears on my part, perhaps - for me to have some kind of closure? I don't know. I just know that I cried in this chapel and I love this quote and that was probably the last day he really had much of a hold over me in a destructive way.
It felt really therapeutic to be back in this chapel almost exactly 2 years later knowing that I am free from the fear and insecurity caused by that person. It was wonderful to know that upstairs at Mass was my Ryan, a man who respects me and loves me and would never treat me the way I'd been treated by this person. I don't think I usually get this person on this blog- oops! I don't think I've written very explicitly about this person and I think this will be the only time I delve into that, but it is over and I am loved and I am respected and I am happy. I love that chapel and the chance to kneel there and pray. I haven't been praying enough lately; it is a problem. This is the prayer of Our Lady of Brezje:

Mary, Help of Christians,you show us how to be Christian,how to "hear the word of God and keep it" (Luke 11:28).Help us to respond to God as you did,that His power work in us,that the Spirit form Christ in us,and that His mind, His heart, His will be ours.We ask this through Christ, Our Lord. Amen.

After Mass, 4 of us went to Chinatown for dinner. I loved the food I had at Ming's! Ryan and I were both surprised by how much I enjoyed it, haha. After Ming's was one of the coolest parts of the night - meeting Ruthie (author of The Itchy Scapular)! I had never met Ruthie in real life before. We met through a very strange series of occurences that I think goes from Youtube to Blogger to Youtube to Blogger to Youtube to Facebook, or some combination of that. Luckily, I wasn't catfished! Ryan and I had so much fun meeting Ruthie and hanging out with some of her hilarious army friends at a very TEXAN bar called Hill Country. It was just so great to meet someone whose blog I've read and whose statuses I have liked. Ruthie is just lovely and hope we can meet up again!

 Had to get a traditional pic with the beautiful Mother Teresa statue at the Basilica. I swear I have a third one from another visit floating around my computer somewhere.

Overall, I just have to say that it was a lovely time. I've made this comment before but it's the only way I can think to describe- I lost my voice and can barely hear out of either ear, but doing what I love with the one I love was beautiful & unforgettable.


Oh, p.s. turns out I have a double ear infection & I'm on antibiotics. the end.

knowledge is responsibility

now THIS is love.

Today I got into a conversation about Bobcats for Life and I ended up getting really negative. Later on, I had a "check-yo-self" moment and now I think I'm thinking clearly.

You see, sometimes I get really frustrated with the enthusiasm people display for organizations or groups that just don't seem relevant to me. I feel like once I learned about abortion and now that I'm learning more about poverty and social justice, it's like I get so frustrated by people who share my beliefs but don't share the desire to act. It's just like how can you know about what is happening and not give a few moments of your time to it? With the TX Rally for Life coming up, I'm trying really hard to get 100 students to go. Last year we had 75 so I think it'll be possible, but it's hard to reach out to other groups - especially within the Catholic community - because each of our groups has its own agenda.

People say "everyone is calling to something different" or "Bobcats for Life is your thing" but it's like, just really difficult sometimes for me to process how people (okay, I'm mostly talking to Catholics here) can be aware of such a tragic problem and say "I am pro-life" but not do anything about it. I'm not asking everyone to go pray at the abortion facility every morning and then follow that up with an afternoon life chain and then head over to the church to pray a Rosary for the unborn, I'm just asking for an event. Just one. Just come to the rally and be a voice- it's like 3 hours of your life.

I feel like if you've been blessed with knowledge, you are responsible for acting on it. If you are aware of abortion or of slavery or of abuse, you are responsible for stopping it.

on some building I passed in DC this summer

Okay that's my little rant, which didn't even end up being about what I thought it was going to be about... so the Mother Teresa picture is kind of random. Oh well!

sorry I'm not sorry

sorry I don't hate gay people
sorry I hate abortion
sorry that I believe Rick Perry is awful and sketchy
sorry that I believe in social welfare

oh wait, I'm not sorry for any of these things!

you should be sorry
for discriminating against gay people
for standing by as millions of children are lost to abortion
for supporting unfit prejudiced politicians
for not taking care of your neighbor in their time of need

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.
-Mother Teresa

When a poor person dies of hunger, it has not happened because God did not take care of him or her. It has happened because neither you nor I wanted to give that person what he or she needed.
-Mother Teresa

not society, not we, but ME

Love isn't something you can just say or pray,

loving is serving and giving away.

Nighttime rant! I hate the word SOCIETY. I hate it because it is thrown into generalizations all the time and it is blamed for everything. The problem with that is that most of these people, myself included, are making these statements without taking a step back and remembering- oh, hey, I'm a part of this society I'm talking about. This society is a 'we' and I am included. Oops. We, I, have to stop hiding the ME behind the WE and accept culpability for the problems we, you, I see.

I'm going to bold the blame that we need to face rather than reassign to a vague group, a society, a larger "we."


We, I, can sit around and talk about getting healthcare for everyone all day, but when we- when I - pass the amputee asking for change on the street because he can't get a job, we, I, don't give him change and talk to him and ask him if he is receiving the treatment he needs or whether there is ramp access for him to whatever buildings he needs to go to.

We, I, can talk about Jesus and His love for us and the Bible all day long, but when we- when I - don't put into practice the instructions we have been given by this Man we, I, claim to love and when we, I, are not following the instructions of this Book we claim to be fueled by... what do we become? what do I become
Maybe a resounding gong... maybe a clanging cymbal...

We, I, have to be the answers to our own- to my own - prayers. Pray for the needy, feed the needy. Pray for the naked, clothe the naked. Pray for the hopeless, offer them hope. Pray for the unloved, love them.

Accept that YOU are the problem sometimes. I am the problem when I fail to love, as I do often.

An American soldier, after liberating the Jews, said:

How could we [the world] have stood by and let that happen to them?

so how can we, the world, stand by and let the injustices, the poverty, the horrors afflicted on the "lowliest" of our population happen? how can you stand by and let the injustices, the poverty, the horrors afflicted on the "lowliest" of our population happen? how can I stand by and let the injustices, the poverty, the horrors afflicted on the "lowliest" of our population happen?

Likewise, as it is wrong to assign one's own failures to love to a society, it is also wrong to assign a group's failure to love to its individuals... an example: Planned Parenthood. Clearly I am not a supporter of theirs, but to say that people who support PP are bad is wrong; it's not the people that are bad, it's the misguided compassion/misinformation. Granted, I do think there are a couple people who might not exactly know their stuff and might be too stubborn to acknowledge hard facts that prove the negative effects of abortion on women and PP's large financial gains from abortion, but not everyone is bad overall. I feel like this paragraph is "another post for another day."

I don't know if this will make sense when I reread in the morning, but I refuse to pass by another person on the streets without giving love. Mother Teresa said: "Peace begins with a smile" and sometimes, as a "broke college student" a smile is all I can afford, but maybe sometimes it could be all that a person needs.

James

"Today it is very fashionable to talk about the poor. Unfortunately, it is not fashionable to talk with them."

-Blessed Mother Teresa 

James.

He sits on the curb on the way to the grocery store. I met him when it was raining though I'd passed him before. Turns out he used to struggle with alcohol and substance abuse problems and went to prison but now he is clean and trying to find work. He's moved around from D.C. to North Carolina and back, but now he's struggling because social services have his records mixed up and the man he needs to talk to about it is on vacation for another week. Really nice man with beautiful blue eyes. He talked about getting clean and how you have to get clean before you can expect to do anything else. Now, he's living on the streets and looking for a job and trying to make it by utilizing the showers in shelters, asking for spare change on the streets to buy clean socks & underwear etc, and waiting to hear back from social services. I asked him if he wanted any groceries and he seemed surprised, "Sure, I'll take anything, maybe a sandwich or something" and later when I brought him the sandwich and some fruits he seemed surprised that I had returned. When I walked up to him with the food he called out Hey there, Sarah! as if he were greeting an old friend. I loved that.

I hated that I passed James by the first 2 times I saw him and that it took a third time to actually stop and look into his eyes and see his humanity, his heart. This city, this world is so fast paced that sometimes I don't even know how I end up where I end up because it's all such a rush. I can't help but wonder who else I have passed or what other opportunities to learn from others or to share what I have with others or chances to feed the hungry with a granola bar (chewy bars=nom nom nom) I have in my purse or just listen to someone who needs to be heard, like, how many of those opportunities have I sped past in order to beat the line at Starbucks (veinte iced white mocha lite ice no whip half pump = sigh) or to get back to the dorm to take a nap? I don't know why the homeless & impoverished are on my mind and heart so much lately, (other than the fact that I've seen more in the past few weeks than I have in my whole life...) but I just want to do something about it and it sucks that I can't get them all sandwiches... and assistance... and employment opportunities... and access to healthcare... and homes.

Another note: One thing that breaks my heart is when I feel like I am being scammed. Another day I will write about the 2 women whose authenticity I really want to believe in... but I can't. I've talked to them multiple times and asked questions and just circumstances and different factors considered... it doesn't add up. I hate that there are scammers out there because approaching strangers is a big step for some in and of itself, let alone having to judge a person's genuine need for charity in the brief window of time you have with them. I hope very much that those 2 women are sincere, or that they are being insincere about their poverty and that they are actually doing well- but I wish that, if the latter were the case, they would stop what they're doing. When I meet people who live on the streets I like to ask them questions to get an idea of where they're coming from, what their heart's context is, and get an idea of their sincerity or openness and maybe I'm naive to trust the stories of some of these people I have met, but I feel like I'm being careful with what I believe. So far I haven't encountered anyone that sent up a fishy flag except those 2 women... and a banjo player... but that's another story. Just a disclaimer that I'm not just blindly believing everything and I'm aware that people lie. I don't know why I felt like adding this.

a person's a person no matter how innocent

seriously can't believe this #whattheheck

Today the verdict was read in the Casey Anthony case and I couldn't have been more surprised than I was when I read Vinnie Politan's tweet. Seriously I thought his Twitter had been hacked and someone was pulling a prank. Then the Facebook statuses started rolling in with everyone sharing in my surprise. For the past few years I, in my infinite young adult wisdom, have been so convinced of Casey Anthony's obvious guilt and even more so after watching weeks of coverage on Headline News... I'm wondering what it was that I missed that so blatantly claims her innocence. I guess this is what "innocent until proven guilty means," in which case, if she is innocent I'm glad that she is free and I really, really hope she'll seek some intensive therapy and not get a reality show.

Even though I was so set on her guilt, I never wanted her sentence to be the death penalty. For that reason, I was somewhat pleased, yet confused at first, with Cindy Anthony's alleged cover up regarding the search history on the computer ("chloroform"). This scenario sparked an interesting discussion today in class about whether it would be acceptable to lie to ensure your child would not be sentenced to death- which I would do 100%. I heard on HLN that Cindy Anthony assumed just enough responsibility for the searches so that Casey  would not necessarily be off the hook from the internet history evidence but rather she would not be convicted of a more serious crime that would result in the death penalty. Not absolutely positive if I got those facts straight but either way, I would have done the same thing to spare my child from the death penalty.

That discussion led me to thinking quite a bit about capital punishment today. I don't like it when people say they are "100% Pro-Life" or when certain political candidates promote themselves as being "100% Pro-Life" or "Pro-all-Life" yet they still support capital punishment. If a politician is Pro-Life regarding abortion and/or regarding end-of-life treatment, then they should clarify that rather than falsely advertise themselves.

I do understand that many organizations within the Pro-Life movement state that they are supporters of the protection of "all INNOCENT human life from conception until natural death" and that if capital punishment were to be included in issues addressed by groups within the movement there would be a (greater) sense of disunity among groups. However, I can't help but feel as if there is a sense of hypocrisy in the movement's negligence towards the persons who are put to death- for the sake of this entry, let's limit this to the U.S.- despite health and will to live.

Some may say that these persons who are being executed by the government (even by firing squad) such as in the case of Ronnie Lee Gardner. Ronnie grew up in a broken home with an absent alcoholic father who openly doubted that he was Ronnie's father. Ronnie was introduced to drugs and alcohol as a child and was sent to a state hospital by age 11. After years of being sexually abused by siblings, removed from his mother's custody, placed into a foster home of a pedophile, and was a father at age 16. Ronnie, in and out of hospitals and state institutions, grew up without a place to call home or people to call parents. Is it any big surprise that Ronnie Lee Gardner would end up doing down the "wrong path" in life?

Although an abusive upbringing is far from justification for his adult behavior, it seems that he was almost conditioned to be a criminal by every failed authority figure that entered his life and every failed government institution, school, hospital that he spent time in. When does a person stop being a person and when does a life lose its value? When is it okay for a nation to kill its citizens? An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.

Ronnie Gardner's daughter. Photo: Deseret News 

Ronnie Lee Gardner committed some heinous crimes, there is no doubt about that, but his guilt cannot justify his death. Just ask his daughter or his brother or his granddaughter who were all waiting vigilantly outside In a country that has the means to imprison those convicted of crimes and potentially offer them rehabilitative and correctional treatment, why is there still a need to kill? Killing creates problems, it doesn't solve them. Just ask the families of any of Ronnie's victims... or ask Ronnie's brother, daughter, granddaughter, and other family members who held a vigil outside the prison as the murder (yes, I called it murder) was carried out. Ask them about the problems created by killing. Which family deserved the loss more? Neither. No 3 year old deserves to have his father shot to death; no young woman deserves to have her father shot by a firing squad while she stands by, helpless.

The loss of a single human life is just cause enough for the repeal of the death penalty, but according to the Death Penalty Information Center (as of June 30, 2011):

Since 1973, over 130 people have been released from death row with evidence of their innocence.

What did those 130 people do to deserve to die? Nothing. Isn't our justice system setting a hypocritical example by executing the innocent in order to "bring justice" for the innocents lost? Suppose a death row inmate was murdered. Would justice be sought for the killer of the death row inmate if his execution date was set for the next day? If America can kill its citizens, what's left but for us to kill each other? Similarly is the issue of abortion, but that'll be another entry for another day...

I think I just needed to vent a little bit about my frustrations with the pro-"Life" movement. I hate putting quotes around the word "Life" like that, but as Pro-Lifers we are so eager to quote Dr. Seuss and say "a person's a person no matter how small" but you never hear anyone proclaiming that "a person's a person no matter how big" or "a person's a person no matter how innocent." I do acknowledge that there is a far greater number of life lost through abortion and I personally have focused more of my research energy into abortion, which is another unjustifiable evil, but while we are working to protect the voiceless it is as though we have forgotten to also protect those WITH voices.

As for me, I am completely Pro-Life. All life.
Conception until natural death.

small things with great love