what I learned in 2011

365 days ago
I feel almost required to sum up the year in a blog post. Reflecting back on the past year & past blog posts, I kind of laughed to myself as I read my January 2, 2011 post:

My Pro-Life new year's resolution: more compassion. The "I know I'm right, how can anyone think differently" attitude has to go and an "I am lucky enough to have been granted understanding and wisdom at a young age and it is my duty to share what I've learned and help those in difficult situations and love those that think I'm crazy" attitude needs to come in.

 Did I accomplish this goal? I believe I made some positive strides towards improving my attitude, but much can always be done in the field of compassion. One thing I noticed that has changed in the past 365 days is that I don't allow my spirit to be crushed by others quite as easily; my heart still aches for those hurt by the injustices of our world, but I've realized that allowing my sadness to paralyze me really helps no one.

What I learned in 2011

• the value of the individual
  Meeting a homeless man named Chris while in D.C. for the March for Life was one of the most incredible hours of my life. Taking time to talk to strangers was a huge part of my growth this year and Chris was the first who opened my eyes to the poor & suffering, my ears to the stories of the homeless, and my heart to those in need.
• the power of good
  Also at the March for Life, feeling the presence of hundreds of thousands of people who share many different beliefs, but the common goal & belief in ending abortion... that was just what I needed to refresh my weary heart.
• the surrender to calling
  Realizing that double-majoring in Creative Writing and Spanish was not for me was long overdue. Thanks to an incredible teacher, Stacie McGee (if anyone Googles her and this page comes up, all I have to say is TAKE. HER. CLASS.), I decided to switch my major to Social Work after my first day in Intro to Social Work. Now I am OFFICIALLY a Social Work major and I feel that this is what I was intended for.
• the shame of irresponsibility
  One of the most painful and embarrassing lessons I have had to learn... don't bite off more than you can chew. I did that this year and I am still catching up from everything I delayed and everyone I have let down. Still, I can't think too much about my failures of this year because it literally makes me sick with just feeling bad, but I plan to make up for this in 2012, because being afraid to check voicemails, emails, and answer the phone shouldn't be scary... and when you let like 5 people down every week, it gets scary.
• the importance of taking care of myself
  This goes hand in hand with the shame of irresponsibility. When I take on too many tasks, I forget to take care of myself and then I make myself sick and then I can't accomplish anything and then it is just a horrible downward spiral of disappointing others, feeling nauseous, and constantly hustling to catch up.
• the joy of friendship
  This year taught me a lot about friendship, and getting older for that matter. Seemingly strong friendships that couldn't stand the test of time broke my spirit for a while this year, but it was such a short while because of the new found friendships, no, sisterhood, I discovered in my NRL Academy sisters. The whole "count your true friends on one hand" saying became more true, only I have to use both hands and probably a foot, too, but still- I'm realizing that as I get older I am just "catching up" with old friends maybe once or twice a year, because that's all we have time for. I'm only 20 and I only have time to see some of my close friends once a year. That scares me a little, but also comforts me knowing that I can count on some people with such certainty even though we see each other so rarely. This year also strengthened bonds with my TRTL Babes. One of the biggest blessings of friendship, my sweet Ryan friend who is now my super hot bearded boyfriend, also sweetened my life this year.
• the love in sacrifice
  The older I get, the more I realize my parents love me. If I think about this one too much I start to cry because I think of all the ways that I have failed them and then think of how continuously they love me and make sacrifices to ensure my happiness...kind of like how the Father loves his children. I've got really great parents.
• the fragility of life
  The passing of Jon Scharfenberger shook me in a way I didn't quite understand. I felt wrong for feeling so emotional and destroyed over his death, as I did not know him well. I spent a lot of time praying for him and thinking about him and am still incredibly inspired by his life and all the amazing work he did while he was with us on this earth. I think of him often, especially one of the first times I saw him at the NRL Convention when he was over by the doors the Republican presidential candidates were coming in and I thought to myself, wow he looks official for an intern! It scares me that death can come so quickly and so unexpectedly. I learned to appreciate those in my life more; never let the sun set upon my anger.
• the courage to carry on
  There were times when I felt so broken in 2011 that I wanted to crawl into a hole and stay there for a long time until everything was good and happy and perfect (aka forever I guess), but the resiliency of the human spirit and the uplifting power of friendship and prayers from those friends got me through. I learned that sometimes everything really feels like it sucks, and lots of those times things probably do really suck, but at the end of the day I just need to go to sleep so I can wake up. Few things are as bad in the morning as they are at night - except for a sore throat. I learned a lot about myself and my values. I recognized things in myself that I need to change- my emotional responses to things that just need to be thought out and rationalized, my negative attitudes, etc. 

I think 2011 was a good year. A lot less crying than 2010. Heck, a lot less crying than just Fall of 2010 - LOL. Tomorrow I want to write out my goals for 2012. I've got em in my mind but need to get em written out.

being thankful & being alone

This is my first, and hopefully last & only, Thanksgiving where I am alone. All the Facebook statuses and Tweets and mass texts about thankfulness & gratitude have been pouring in all day. I'm alone and sad and not  exactly brimming with grateful joy, but even as I reflect on what I have been blessed with (mostly "who"s I have been blessed by), I am sad. I ended up alone after a few little incidents and decided it was probably for the best that I just take some time to get work done... my to-do-list is starting to catch up with my blessings list in length. Not a good sign.

I've grown apart from a lot of people in the past year, mostly the past 6 months. I'm not sure if there is any way to have too many friends, but maybe that's what happened to me; maybe I just had too many people in my life and something had to give. 

Leaves change and people change. It's like when the colors in the trees start changing and it's beautiful (as a Texan, I mostly know this from photos and movies. We have a very short time of pretty fall trees.). The leaves are all sorts of reds, oranges, and golds, but if you get too attached to that you will be disappointed when they fall. Maybe that's what happened to me. Maybe I enjoyed the new friendships like a child might enjoy new leaves.

When leaves fall, we rake our yards. When people change or hurt us, there isn't much to do.

It was hard to make a collage of gratitude over the past year because so many of the photos I've taken were of blessings only temporary. It's hard to be thankful for moments that don't flee, but rather abandon. Maybe this is where the saying "don't cry because it's over, smile because it happens" comes in. Somehow though, it's hard for me to smile right now. Svetty told me the other day: "you don't need a lot; all you need are a few good & true friends."

This past year has brought me much inspiration and love. Two of my favorite additions to my heart are my NRL Academy girls and my best friend in the world, the truest friend I've ever known, Ryan. 

Here's to another year and hoping to be grateful for the same things next year. Reminds me of a quote I saw recently on Pinterest: "What if you woke up today with only the things you thanked God for yesterday?"

Just walked away from this entry for a bit to answer the phone and now I think I am sadder than ever. I thought I would like being alone more than I am liking it. At the same time, there's not anywhere else to be that would make me less sad than the company of myself. It's a pathetic paradox, really. Sigh.

prayers for Jon

Jon Scharfenberger passed away this morning. He was a true advocate for life. Prayers go out to his family. I am fortunate enough to have met him this summer while he was an intern and I was an Academy student in the National Right to Life office.

and just like that I am new.

Here I am, 2 hours later, feeling restored.

My frustrations have been conquered by the love shown to me by my D.C. sisters.

When I am down, they pick me up. When I need a warm word to cheer me, they are like hot cocoa for my heart. I miss them so much.

Also, now I am crying. NRL Academy girls, if you are reading this, I love & miss yall more than you know!

prayer

I did a lot of reflecting this weekend on retreat and had a nice time. Upon returning home I read some devastating news about the death of a Pro-Life warrior woman and her unborn child, and about the critical condition of a young man I met this summer at the NRL office. A recent update about him said:

Jon Scharfenberger, the SFLA Coordinator of our Pregnant on Campus Initiative, in the car during the accident and Hawkins tells LifeNews he “is not doing well.” She said Monday morning, “Currently, he is in critical condition in a hospital in Georgia, where the accident happened.

I am heartbroken for the mother, her child, and their family. I just can't quite understand how things like this happen, I guess. I've never lost someone very close to me or even someone (other than family) that I have been acquaintances with really; understanding death is not something I do well.

Times like this are what really show us what matters, I suppose, and show us the fragility of human life.

What is difficult for me is the concept of being fine one second and gone the next; without even knowing it is happening your entire life can be taken from you. I don't know how to explain myself right now. I am so distraught over this and I hardly know Jon. He was very smart and very Catholic and very cheerful/full of energy any time I was around him this summer. Lord, please let him live.

I am heartbroken over this accident while barely knowing Jon; I cannot even imagine the anguish his family and friends must be experiencing.

St. Jude, pray for us.

[UPDATE] Just saw this:

Prayers for Jon ScharfenbergerOur other staff member injured in the accident that claimed Kortney and her baby, Sophy, is Jon Scarfenberger.
I’ve been in constant contact throughout the day with our SFLA staff getting updates.
It’s bad, and at 3 AM it turned really bad. It’s gotten worse throughout the day. At this point, we need a miracle for Jon to make it to tomorrow. If it’s God’s will, may Jon stay and grow old with us.
Please pray for this beautiful young man, and for his family who are beside themselves with grief and the hard work of keeping him alive. Jon’s mom is a nurse and at the hospital in Georgia. His dad is a physician and should be arriving there shortly, after coordinating efforts from their home here in New York.
Updates to follow, but for now, please pray!

today was a lullaby

Left work after 45 minutes today after unbearable waves of nausea. It was terrible. It's happened "every so often" for the past 5 months now. That description sounds so pregnant ha ha ha. I went home, curled up in fetal position in my pajamjams and slept until my internship at the PRC started. Today was my first real day and I helped with an abstinence program. Definitely not what I expected - but in a good way! I really enjoyed it. It made me think about doing school social work/counselor type thing... who knows.

Then I started missing my NRL Academy girls and so I sent them a song and then I had my guitar out already and this song always reminds me of new beginnings and I'm kind of wanting to just go to sleep and wake up refreshed and renewed and energized and feeling healthy and organized and priorities in order. That's not exactly the type of new beginning the song refers to, but it still makes me feel warm inside.

a few photos

we are sho sweepy from studying sho hard

we are sho tech savvy

i am sho wired from coffee

toughen up

band aid for my soul?

I have not been feeling super awesome lately so I decided to venture out this evening to look for cheesecake because everyone knows that the best way to deal with your problems is to cover them in chocolate sauce or anything ending in "-cake." Yeah, turns out that theory is false.

Ended up in a shady little- emphasis on the word little - restaurant and ordered my cheesecake and chicken fingers (I'm like 5 years old) and while I waited for the food, the guy at the counter struck up conversation with me. We started with the weather, told him I'm from TX & here with the Nat'l Right to Life Academy, and then I opened a great can of emotional worms.
Side note: if you are a visual person, the man at the restaurant looked a lot like Tom McGowan who plays Ray's friend Bernie on "Everybody Loves Raymond." 

me: You know, I've been really shocked by the number of homeless people in D.C.
man: Oh, well they choose to be homeless, you know. I've been workin' here about 20 years and see the same people in the same places. They aren't out there trying to get jobs, but they're doing just fine for themselves.

He went on to tell me stories about homeless folks who have turned out to be frauds or have been found sleeping with huge rolls of cash in their hands and other shady stories. I'm not naive enough to think that everyone in the world is honest or that everyone living on the streets is truly in a desperate state of need, but I tend to try to give them the benefit of the doubt... but I hate finding out the sad & messed up stories. Sometimes I like to pretend that everyone is good and nice and stuff... but I'm not ignorant enough to believe it, just too emotionally exhausted to dwell on the bad things all the time. So, even after I got my food we kept chatting...

me: I've just gotten really upset lately having to see all the people on the streets, regardless of who is truly needy and who is scamming.
man: you know what, after living in the city for a while you just gotta learn to look the other way.

I HATE THAT, OKAY! I really didn't like that! This man honestly was pretty nice and seemed like he had good intentions, but, I'm sorry, looking the other way isn't going to make anyone's problems go away, sir. I just really thought that was a sad sentiment.

me: well, I'd rather be gypped by 5 people and help 1 person than not help anyone at all... ya know... it just makes me really sad lately having to pass them everywhere and not know what to do.
man: I know you're from Texas and you've got Christ on the front of your shirt, but you've gotta toughen up.

feeling so happy, omgah

I left pretty soon after that. As I walked away, the man yelled "Toughen up! You'll be fine!" but that didn't really offer me much comfort. I enjoyed the conversation, but it did leave me feeling kind of crappy and really sad. The man had some valid points and made me face some things that suck, but I probably needed to hear them. However, that doesn't mean I'm going to look the other way all the time. I've been talking to the other girls in the Academy about this a lot lately and we've all been pretty frustrated with knowing when to give to the "homeless" (I really hate using quotes on that...). It's so hard because you pass by them and you have like this tiny window to make this huge judgment and assessment of this person's life, situation, need, and the extent of their need.

where my dinner ended up.

Also, after weeks of speculation about a lady who begs in the metro station, we have "cracked that case" and know she is scamming. It's a long story, but the girls and I have been keeping track of all of our sightings of this woman and her accomplices and we've figured out that they are gypping people... honestly, like, I think they might be gypsies. Not sure if that is a politically correct thing to say or not, but it is what it is.

I wish people would just be real because the scammers out there are only further hurting those who are truly hurting already by causing skepticism towards people on the streets. I should probably stop thinking about this because it's making me frustrated even more.

Oh and to top it all off... the food from the restaurant was not enjoyable... not even the cheesecake.

last thought of the day, forreal

I've been writing so much about homelessness lately. I didn't realize how long it had been since I wrote about abortion. The next few weeks will likely be filled with abortion related posts as we are delving into that topic in class.

Passion? Check.
Motivation? Check.
Emotional stability to be able to talk about abortion all day without getting sad? I plead the 5th.
Kleenex? Check.

pictures from class

just some pictures from the National Right to Life Academy to give y'all an idea of the environment where the class takes place.

self-evident truths

happy 4th of July from D.C.!

Today commemorates the signing of the Declaration of Independence.
Here's a little snippet of the Declaration that has been overlooked in the past 40 years!

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness."

fueled by love... and by caffeine

Getting home at like 9:00 p.m.

Reading, phone calling, showering
Getting on the metro at 8:00 a.m.

...needing caffeine like never before!
Trying not to become dependent.
I thought this tiny Dunkin Donuts coffee was too cute.

FL to DC

Wassup, Jacksonville?!

It has been a busy summer so far!

On Wednesday, I arrived in Jacksonville, FL to attend the 2011 National Right to Life Convention and it was such a wonderful experience. The Convention kicked off my time as a student in the National Right to Life Academy along with 10 other girls from all over the place and it was just the perfect way to start an amazing, intense summer.

I'm going to highlight a few of the blessings of the experience.

hey girl hey!

1. My dear friend, prayer partner, fellow Bobcat, and Texas Right to Lifer Carol  was at the Convention
Carol is such a dear friend of mine and I'm SO proud of all the work she has done with Texas Right to Life in the past year- she is kind of a rockstar. I am so grateful to have gotten to spend time with her in Florida and have dinner with her while having really awkward experiences with the waiter and pretty much everyone we came in contact with.

2. My new colleagues, friends, fellow students of the NRL Academy are wonderful!
In the past few days I have gotten to meet some really amazing and BUH-RILLIANT girls. I've had nothing but good times with them all so far and I know that things will only get better over the next 6 weeks we spend together.  

some of the Academy girls before the final speaker on Saturday night

3. The incredible speakers that gave workshops at the Convention.

I don't even know where to begin to describe the people who led, spoke, presented, and motivated. 

Abby Johnson kicked things off with her story, which is always incredible to hear, but my favorite part of her presentation this time was her humor. That girl knows how to make Pro-Lifers laugh! She expanded more on her spiritual life this time than others times I have heard her speak; it was nice to hear. Some of my favorite quotes from her speech were:

"Expect great things from God, attempt great things for God." 

"Helping one person may not mean a lot to us, but it means a lot to our Savior."
"Somewhere out there someone is waiting for you to proclaim Life to them."

Dr. Randall K. O'Bannon and Director of Education and Research for NRLC seriously KNOWS HIS STUFF when it comes to Planned Parenthood. His presentation The Hyper Political, Under Regulated, Mega Marketer of Abortion was one of the most comprehensive explanations of PP corruption I have ever heard (and ever understood). Some food for thought-
        Pregnancy test: $15
        Packet of birth control pills: $15-$50
        Pack of condoms: $6
        1st trimester surgical abortion: $451
        RU-486: $483 

There was so much valuable and shocking information in this presentation. I took super diligent notes so I could pass this knowledge along to Bobcats for Life in the fall and so I could further research it and I am just shocked at what turns up the more and more I look into it. My favorite quote from his presentation was "Planned Parenthood's plans typically don't involve parenthood."

We also heard from some Pro-Life Republicans who want to be President which was pretty neat. I need to look into them more, but from what I saw just that day- I thought Herman Cain and Rick Santorum seemed pretty legit on Life issues. Don't know who I support exactly, nor would this really be the time to get into that, but I liked them both. Santorum also has a child with Trisomy-18 which won him a lot of points in my book; it takes such an incredible person with an incredible heart to raise a child with that tragic condition. Curious to see what else I can find out about him. Also, we Skyped with Ron Paul, Michelle Bachmann, and Tim Pawlenty... no opinion on them really... except it sounded like Ron Paul was saying he thought abortion should be up to each state to decide and I think that would be a REALLY dumb move. Just my super educated opinion on that one...

Okay y'all... one of the most moving workshops I attended was Terri's Legacy about the story of Terri Schindler Schiavo. Her brother, Bobby Schindler, and sister, Suzanne Vitadamo, shared their experience with the dispute over Terri's life due to her husband's guardianship over their sister. I had never been fully aware of what happened to Terri because I was so young (and clueless) when it happened, but the story they shared broke my heart. I could not even imagine watching my own sister starved to death over 14 days, deprived of food and water just because she needed a feeding tube to receive sustenance. Food and water... which is now regarded as "medical treatment." They withdrew food and water while her family was more than willing to take her home and care for her themselves... just wow. Their foundation, the Terri Schiavo Life and Hope Network, has helped so many families faced with similar situations. I could hardly believe how frequently this is happening. To read about some of the successes and life-saving help they have provided, click here. I was so impressed by the selflessness and compassion shown by Bobby and Suzanne.

Baby Samuel reaching out of his mother's
uterus during a surgery to repair his
spina bifida

Photographer Michael Clancy

There were so many wonderful speakers that it would take me a really long time to give them each a shout out, but I feel so lucky to have been introduced to so many unique topics regarding the right to life from so many intelligent and talented people... like Michael Clancy who took the well known controversial photo of an  in utero surgery back in 1999. The picture has ignited much debate between Michael Clancy and the doctors at Vanderbilt University Medical Center regarding the photo's authenticity. Michael shared an amazing story of his difficult upbringing and the path that led him to the hospital room where the surgery on baby Samuel was performed. The picture has inspired many to understand the humanity and true nature of the preborn child as it reached out and grasped the doctor's hand as any newborn child might. 

4. Even though he was a speaker, he is my fave so he gets his own bullet point on this list.

Fr. Frank Pavone is so cool for many reasons (I wrote all these reasons down on his evaluation form after his workshop The Church, The State, and The Media). Fr. Frank is not only an awesome Catholic Priest, he is an outspoken defender of the unborn, a powerful and motivational public speaker, and a champion when it comes to utilizing social media outlets. Whether he is communicating via Twitter, Facebook, e-mail, YouTube, Priests for Life's website, brochures, newsletters, his EXCELLENT book, his Pro-Life Prayer meditations, or public speaking engagements, Fr. Frank always gets his message across clearly and powerfully. I was telling someone today that another one of my favorite things about Fr. Frank is that despite how super popular and important he is, he is so humble and he treats everyone in the Pro-Life movement as a friend, not a fan (though I think it's safe to say that most of us ARE fans). Priests for Life is definitely the best online resource a Pro-Life group could ask for thanks to Fr. Frank!

During the workshop The Church, The State, and The Media that Fr. Frank, Ernest Ohlhoff, and Steven Ertelt of Lifenews presented, some of my favorite quotes from Fr. Frank were "We are the community that is sent out to renew the face of the earth." and, after telling a story about a police officer claiming to be upset regarding the images Fr. Frank displayed on a poster, he said "What concern is it of the cops what the content of my sign is?... Protected speech means that the speaker can keep speaking when the hearer gets mad." Rock on, Father Frank!  Also, he is just super cool- especially now that he has Bryan Kemper of Stand True Ministries working with Priests for Life! Can you say coolest respect Life shirts ever?! Bryan gave me a copy of his book Social Justice Begins in the Womb and signed it and I am so stoked to start reading it. I just love that slogan: social justice begins in the womb. So true.

Bryan Kemper and Fr. Frank Pavone throwing up the Texas State Bobcats sign!

Now that the Convention is over, I am in DC for the next 6 weeks with some really great people and I am so excited to see what kind of knowledge and excitement the summer has in store! Other than some intense 8 hour days at the Academy, I'm excited to visit the Basilica, St. Matthew's Cathedral, the GW Newman Center, DC CUPCAKES, RED VELVET CUPCAKERY, and a few other fun places. :) Keep me in your prayers, or more specifically keep my feet in your prayers... hoping for a blister free month of wearing heels!

‎"Nothing we do to defend the human person, no matter how small, is ever unfruitful or forgotten. Our actions touch other lives and move other hearts in ways we can never fully understand in this world. Don’t ever underestimate the beauty and power of the witness you give in your pro-life work."

-Archbishop Charles Chaput