end of summer 2013

So, summer "break" is almost over, my internship is almost over, my undergraduate career is almost over.

Tomorrow, I start my new job and I start grad school in a month. I really just cannot wait to graduate with my BSW and get his MSW thing knocked out.

Today I spoke at a pro-life event for teens in Blanco. It was SO fun! Ryan went with me and we had a great time. The youth were awesome and the other speaker - David Bereit, exec director of 40 Days for Life - was just phenomenal. It was a great experience!

Anyways, I've been so busy with my Etsy store, photography, internship, and schoolwork to update in a while, so I'll throw some pictures at ya.

summer 2013

What have I been up to this summer?

• 40 hours a week of an unpaid internship
• 3 hours of class every other week in San Marcos
• Living at Ryan's parents' house in the extra bedroom
• Lots of crafting
• I started an Etsy shop! 
• I became a Spurs fan!
• Hanging out with Ryan when he isn't studying for the MCAT
• CANDY CRUSH SAGA
• Bought my first non-twin-size bed. Queen life.
• Applying for millions of jobs
• Pranking Kyle back and forth
• I am hooked on sno-cones (Kyle happens to work there)
• I am taking baby steps to rejuvenate my spiritual life
• Said "see ya lata" to Fr. Brian, our wonderful Priest
• Got asked to speak at a teen pro-life event next month
• Convinced Ryan to try out yoga with me in the evenings (it's hilarious)
• and I'm really just trying to rest as much as possible. TIRED!

Welp, we leave for MI for 5 days next week and I can't wait. That's it. Oh yeah, Ruby is the cutest thing ever still and she is crawling and standing up and almost walking. So advanced. 

my etsy shop!

bye Fr. Brian :(

Hello Cutie Ruby!

sb5

Gonna be real with y'all in this quick post. The past few days I have been more in tune with pro-life happenings than I have been in the past month or two combined. Aside from life being busy, which I recognize it always will be, I think separation from Bobcats For Life sunk in when I left San Marcos and I am feeling more free. Ignorance is bliss? Perhaps... but the knowledge that cannot be unknown will always disrupt that bliss. As far as I wander or run from advocacy, my heartstrings tie me to those vulnerable little ones. Following SB5 has been like riding a rollercoaster. Hoping this passes. It would be so life giving.

Spirituality

It's interesting to reflect on my spiritual/religious journey. As a child, I remember thinking that Jesus' tomb was the confessional room... and somehow missed the whole "the Eucharist is the literal body of Christ" thing until I was 14. Even now, my faith life is evolving, as I expect it always will. From knowing little to knowing more, believing lots and believing less, it's always in motion one way or another. A perfect example is the moral conflict I experienced most summers between 2006-2011... are bikinis okay?! This has been mostly solved by the fact that I just think one pieces are more flattering, really. It's interesting how at one point in a person's life a belief can be so strong and certain, only to later be shaken and questioned.

So where am I now? I recognize some of these stages in my memories and journals. Stage 4: "individuality vs. membership in a group," I think that's where I am. I think I've been growing a lot the past few years; growing in different ways than I might've predicted when I graduated high school, but positive growth. Do I believe these things? Why do I believe this? Do I want to be a part of this group? All questions I've had to ask myself the past few years as I've come to understand more about people and justice. Though I once made statements like, "you can't be Catholic and pro-choice," I see now that, yeah... you can... and people do. You can't be fully in line with Church doctrine - I mean obviously, and I don't think pro-choice Catholics would even argue that - but you are still a Catholic. I see the areas where my heart and the heart of the Church don't overlap and I have to think can I accept these differences? Will the Church accept these differences? The conclusion I come to every time is yes. Maybe I see Jesus too much as a hugger, a friend, and a forgiver, and maybe he's more of a hall-monitor-citation-giving type... but as I try to (re)discover who He is, I'm going to opt for the hugs.

It's funny how you can love someone (I'm talking Jesus, not Ryan) for so long and then one day realize you have no idea who they are and why you love them. As I'm writing this, it feels really raw, but it also feels therapeutic. I remember having a true and genuine understanding of loving Jesus and instances of feeling so loved by Him, but now I can't quite comprehend. No matter how many miracle-stories or "God moments" I remember, it doesn't unlock that cynical door to my heart. I remember giving friends advice and praying fervently for things and talking about God to youth at Church, but now I just don't do that. For someone who doesn't mind sharing openly about herself, even saying the name "Jesus" regarding my spiritual life and prayer life just makes me feel so vulnerable and teary. I've never felt like that before, it is odd.. I used to love talking about it all, but now... something has shifted. I almost feel too busy to dedicate time to rediscovering myself and digging deeper into my ever-evolving belief system, but something needs to give soon.

Funniest thing is that I don't dare share these vulnerable thoughts with people because:
1. Catholics at school would've tried to get me to join a (omitted sarcastic description) Bible study. Been there, done that. It's not what I need and it's not the environment I need. Making people your mission is not the kind of Gospel sharing I like.
2. Protestants I know would think that this stage I'm in is all because Catholicism is wrong and they would try to save me or would make wrong assumptions about the Church, and I'm not about that life
3. It just seems like a lot to deal with, and I have a full time internship

A survey I thought might help me to complete:
1. Why is there poverty and suffering in the world?-Poverty and suffering are a result of free will and greed. The vulnerable are only made more vulnerable with poverty, while the rich get richer. It really doesn't seem fair though, does it.
2. What is the relationship between science and religion?
-Science and religion can coexist. Religion encompasses the supernatural, which sometimes science cannot reach.
3. Why are so many people depressed?
-Well there's lots of reasons.... suffering, poverty, mental illness, unemployment, broken heart, I mean... I could go on forever.
4. What are we all so afraid of?
-Failure? Death? Not having done anything to leave behind a legacy? Not being "enough."
5. When is war justifiable?
-When one party endangers the majority, but the innocent must be spared.
6. How would God want us to respond to aggression and terrorism?
-Peace treaties, loving one another, relinquishing greed
7. How does one obtain true peace?
-Searching for God
8. What does it mean to live in the present moment?
-I think about taking deep breaths and turning off your cell phone
9. What is our greatest distraction?
-our selves. We are so absorbed in ourselves that we can't see each other.
10. Is current religion serving its purpose?
-In some ways yes, the charitable ways. In other ways, war and hate speech and dividing nations, no.
11. What happens to you after you die?
-Peace and reunion with loved ones and Jesus in heaven
12. Describe heaven and how to get there.
-I think everyone goes. I don't think anyone would truly know God, have the opportunity to understand and know God, that they would be so evil to truly reject goodness. People are abused and conditioned to be evil, but I don't blame their soul for their wrongdoings completely. God is forgiving.
13. What is the meaning of life?
-To love others and experience the love God has for us
14. Describe God.
-kind, forgiving, gentle, patient
15. What is the greatest quality humans possess?
-kindness
16. What is it that prevents people from living to their full potential?
-doubt, lack of resources (emotional, financial, physical)
17. Noverbally, by motion or gesture only, act out what you believe to be the current condition of the world.
18. What is your one wish for the world?
-That everyone could feel safe and no one would hurt anyone
19. What is wisdom and how do we gain it?
-wisdom is what is learned from experience
20. Are we all one?

-idk!


I guess now I just will go with the flow. I'm really fine. Just needed to vent this!

alumnus

Ryan graduated summa cum laude from Texas State University yesterday with Bachelors of Sciences degrees in Biochemistry and Mathematics.

I'm a little bit proud!!!

hopes for the future

To my future children,

I hope you never have to live in a world filled with fear. I hope you can run and you can dance and you can participate with no consequence for your innocence. I hope you feel safe at home and that your home is the world. I hope you see a time when different cultures start conversations, not wars. I hope that basic rights are given to all, but if not, that you see to it that they are. I hope you feed the hungry, but I hope more that there is no more hunger. I hope that peace isn't a dream for you. I hope you can have that "tucked into bed" feeling of safety when you're in a crowd, when you're alone, and when it's dark outside. I hope you are delicate and strong; I hope you are breakable, but no one would break you. I hope you don't have to find yourself drowning beneath your covers from the world's intolerance and hate. I hope I can start making life better for you today.

-your future mother

note to self

remember when you used to play guitar all the time? when you used to write? what happened to that? you loved it, ya know. sigh.

2012 in review.

Well, I haven't posted since the birth of my precious niece. OOPS.
Anyways, here's 2012 in review (mostly in pictures).
Oh yeah... I guess nothing happened in March... because somehow I missed that month.

MARCH??? WHAT HAPPENED?!

So that's a year (or at least 11 months of it) in the life of Sarah... sans pro-lifery. I have an upper respiratory infection right now so I've been getting a lot of work done and playing with photoshop so many hours these days. Maybe tomorrow will be time for a "year in the (pro)life" post.

xoxo,
gossip girl

Just kidding, but I have been watching lots and lots of Gossip Girl over break. Literally, like I've been through 4 seasons of it. Anyways, that's all for now.

be free

Just though to myself that I wanted to post something really quick and then "be free" popped into my head. I google searched it and found this so fast. Makes me feel happy.

New Year!

School started again. It is my last fall as an undergrad. Pretty cool! Also, scary and horrifying, but mostly cool. My classes are pretty good. Work schedule is fine I guess. Life is just busy but I still have time to nap every couple days.

Bobcats for Life is back in action for the fall and I must say, I am feeling pretty good. This may be due in part to the fact that I have two girls on board with me this year that have the same scholarship I do, so I know they will be reliable, and there are a few other people who I am really trusting will help out a lot. We had a frozen yogurt get together last week; it was pretty chill and nonchalant and I think some people didn't know they were at a meeting. This week, though, is when we'll find out what the year is going to look like. We doubled the size of our email list already this year. It's great. Let's see how this goes! Hoping with all my heart to hand off the presidency of B4L to Audrey in January. Fingers crossed.

This month will be very busy. With Bobcats For Life getting off the ground again, my sweet niece RUBY being born, my sweet honorary niece (old roommate's daughter) GRACE being born, and Ryan's brother's wedding... it's going to be a happy and busy month.

SENIOR YEAR WOO EAT EM UP CATZ

"you seem different"

The title of this post is what someone said to me last week. I ran into a girl I lived in the dorms with my freshman year (three years ago) and we caught up on each others' lives. She said that I seemed different. I said in response, "thank you. I think I am."

The beginning of my pro-life work was a choice for me; it was my own little fiat. However, it felt like a whirlwind. I think that moving away from home for the first time and entering this whole new dimension of college definitely made me cling to anything I could that seemed constant. For me, I knew my pro-life beliefs to be sacred and I hold that truth in my heart now, but at the time, it seemed that being pro-life meant being surrounded by pro-life people and those pro-life people were all pro-guns everywhere, anti-gay people ever experiencing any form of joy, anti-anything Obama ever said... even if he said "I like Mountain Dew" or something as inconsequential as that. I thought to myself, "I am pro-life, do they expect me to be this?" I knew I couldn't be that person and I didn't want to be that person. In a way, it's like I was going on a road trip with conservative people but once I got in the car I just put my iPod in and blasted pro-life things into my ear to tune out those things I disagreed with. Does this make sense?

I am different now. I have experienced what some may call self discovery, others may say that I have been liberalized by an evil public education system. I like to think that I have discovered the heart of compassion and I am trying to take up residence there. The rent is low and the peace is free.

I am different now. Life prescribed me some chill pills and I've learned that whispered truth is more effective than a megaphone. I think some of these changes have been due in part to switching my major to social work. It is ironic, because there is not much outspoken support for pro-life views in my social work classes... aside from some of my own interjections here and there, there really isn't any. Despite the difference of values in that arena, I find so much common ground and common compassion for the good of the human being - aside from the period of conception until birth. I find that these people in my classes share many of my values. These people are veterans, caseworkers, lesbians, gay men, Muslims, atheists, vegans, Christians, mothers, fathers, liberals. I love the diversity and I love the sharing that goes on in the classrooms. I love that they have taught me from their shared experiences. I love that they have, in their own small ways, made me different.

I think back on freshman year and wonder how many people I rubbed the wrong way because I just didn't have myself figured out. Hell, I still don't have myself figured out. I am grateful though for that chance encounter with my old friend. Those words were just what I needed for another bout of introspection.

giving

"You often say, 'I would give, but only to the deserving.' The trees in your orchard say not so, nor the flocks in your pasture. They give that they may live, for to withhold is to perish. 
-Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

The Prophet is one of my top 5 favorite books. It is up there with The Alchemist, The Broken Wings, maybe Redeeming Love and I don't know what the 5th would be off the top of my head... should give that some thinking. 

Michigan

Ryan and I spent a week in Michigan. We got back on Thursday. On Friday, we left for his grandparents' house for his brother's wedding shower. We got home Sunday evening and I started work & class at 9:00 this morning. I am so tired, so I don't know why I'm awake at midnight. That's all. Nothing relevant to say. Just some pictures from Michigan.

  

crape myrtles

I wrote a really long post, but it was too much and I'm too jumbled to make sense of my thoughts this late, so here's this picture I found on google images from Saldivia-Jones photog (the picture was relevant to the entry I just erased):

ocean & emotion

I saw the ocean for the first time ever last week. It was beautiful.

Key West

Nassau

Now I'm back and I have a week of "nothing to do" and I am feeling hyper emotional and excessively introspective. I'm also spending way too much time on Pinterest & Etsy, due in part to my sister's upcoming baby shower.

I am just feeling like my own skin doesn't suit me the past few days; feels like I am just not in the right place, like I need to do something about it, but all I can do is try to think - yes, try, because fruitful thoughts are out of my reach in this strange state I find myself in. Just yikes.

Going to Michigan with Ryan next week. Looking forward to it. Will write here again in the next few days- and will actually have relevant pro-lifery to write about, I hope.

bursts of self knowledge

I feel like I have made some significant progress in learning about myself lately, namely through my time in Houston. It is through learning who I am not that I am discovering who I am. I've addressed the whole "who I am" thing in regards to negative Pro-Lifer stereotypes, but within the Pro-Life community I am discovering my role and my skills and my values.

Role: I don't feel like I am meant to ever dedicate my career to full time Pro-Life work in a Pro-Life organization, but of course I will "be" Pro-Life in whatever I end up doing (I mean, duh). Right now, I think my role is to lead Bobcats for Life for another semester, or maybe 2. I really feel like I need to pass that role off to someone else... fast.

Skills: I don't think I have skills that are compatible for a 9-5 staring-at-a-computer-screen job. As a, God willing, future social worker, I need people and interaction to get through the day. I think I could work on a macro level for some time, but I don't think that would be the best fit for me... at least for the near future. The things that are fun for me are writing, talking, taking pictures, Tweeting, using social media, planning (turtle races, anyone?), talking to moms, playing with babies, and anything right brained, really.

right click for link to source. Love this picture.

Values: Everyday, a new comment or thought or piece of hate reminds me that I am, by no means, a republican. I don't know if I'm a democrat or whatever. I know that I am pro-life. I know that when I see a homeless person sitting outside McDonald's, I want to buy them food and I don't want them to pay me back- even if they are an alcoholic or a drug addict; there is no means test to get a Big Mac from Sarah Ryan. I know that when a family in Mexico feels scared because their neighborhood is overrun by drug cartel and they want to come to America, I want them here and I hope they are my neighbor. I know that when a friend of mine had a terrible health crisis and I took her to the hospital, the fact that she was uninsured was the last obstacle she needed to face at that time and it broke my heart to think that she may have to suffer because of the uninsured family situation she was born into. I don't say "blacks" when I talk about African Americans. If you say something or someone is "retarded," I will call you out on your ignorance; if I thought you were ignorant before the comment, I will call you out and also potentially humiliate you (sorry I'm not sorry! and this method of calling out/humiliation also applies to the *cussword* who, after OKC beat the Spurs, said "I hope OKC gets bombed again." You're an embarrassment to humans.). I believe in social justice, so call me a "communist" or "marxist" if you want (or if you are cray cray), but I don't really care, because at the end of the day- being a decent and kind communist would be better than being a heartless, racist conservative- as seen here.

It's funny to watch myself evolve, or rather, to unlock parts of my heart or conscience that I wasn't aware of before, or maybe I just wasn't aware of the depth of that part of my heart. That is the experience I've had with my empathy for the homeless; I always knew I cared like any not crappy human would, but I'm realizing how special that population is to me. Don't know why though.

Well, that's enough reflection, or rather introspection, for the day!

earth day

although I believe human rights should be a higher priority than the rights of a tree, I acknowledge that the earth is a gift from God and is to be respected as such... and I love nature. Just went through my "spring 2010" album of pictures and realized I got to spend a lot of time outside. These are some pictures (many CLEARLY edited, but whatever) that show why I love nature.