Spirituality

It's interesting to reflect on my spiritual/religious journey. As a child, I remember thinking that Jesus' tomb was the confessional room... and somehow missed the whole "the Eucharist is the literal body of Christ" thing until I was 14. Even now, my faith life is evolving, as I expect it always will. From knowing little to knowing more, believing lots and believing less, it's always in motion one way or another. A perfect example is the moral conflict I experienced most summers between 2006-2011... are bikinis okay?! This has been mostly solved by the fact that I just think one pieces are more flattering, really. It's interesting how at one point in a person's life a belief can be so strong and certain, only to later be shaken and questioned.

So where am I now? I recognize some of these stages in my memories and journals. Stage 4: "individuality vs. membership in a group," I think that's where I am. I think I've been growing a lot the past few years; growing in different ways than I might've predicted when I graduated high school, but positive growth. Do I believe these things? Why do I believe this? Do I want to be a part of this group? All questions I've had to ask myself the past few years as I've come to understand more about people and justice. Though I once made statements like, "you can't be Catholic and pro-choice," I see now that, yeah... you can... and people do. You can't be fully in line with Church doctrine - I mean obviously, and I don't think pro-choice Catholics would even argue that - but you are still a Catholic. I see the areas where my heart and the heart of the Church don't overlap and I have to think can I accept these differences? Will the Church accept these differences? The conclusion I come to every time is yes. Maybe I see Jesus too much as a hugger, a friend, and a forgiver, and maybe he's more of a hall-monitor-citation-giving type... but as I try to (re)discover who He is, I'm going to opt for the hugs.

It's funny how you can love someone (I'm talking Jesus, not Ryan) for so long and then one day realize you have no idea who they are and why you love them. As I'm writing this, it feels really raw, but it also feels therapeutic. I remember having a true and genuine understanding of loving Jesus and instances of feeling so loved by Him, but now I can't quite comprehend. No matter how many miracle-stories or "God moments" I remember, it doesn't unlock that cynical door to my heart. I remember giving friends advice and praying fervently for things and talking about God to youth at Church, but now I just don't do that. For someone who doesn't mind sharing openly about herself, even saying the name "Jesus" regarding my spiritual life and prayer life just makes me feel so vulnerable and teary. I've never felt like that before, it is odd.. I used to love talking about it all, but now... something has shifted. I almost feel too busy to dedicate time to rediscovering myself and digging deeper into my ever-evolving belief system, but something needs to give soon.

Funniest thing is that I don't dare share these vulnerable thoughts with people because:
1. Catholics at school would've tried to get me to join a (omitted sarcastic description) Bible study. Been there, done that. It's not what I need and it's not the environment I need. Making people your mission is not the kind of Gospel sharing I like.
2. Protestants I know would think that this stage I'm in is all because Catholicism is wrong and they would try to save me or would make wrong assumptions about the Church, and I'm not about that life
3. It just seems like a lot to deal with, and I have a full time internship

A survey I thought might help me to complete:
1. Why is there poverty and suffering in the world?-Poverty and suffering are a result of free will and greed. The vulnerable are only made more vulnerable with poverty, while the rich get richer. It really doesn't seem fair though, does it.
2. What is the relationship between science and religion?
-Science and religion can coexist. Religion encompasses the supernatural, which sometimes science cannot reach.
3. Why are so many people depressed?
-Well there's lots of reasons.... suffering, poverty, mental illness, unemployment, broken heart, I mean... I could go on forever.
4. What are we all so afraid of?
-Failure? Death? Not having done anything to leave behind a legacy? Not being "enough."
5. When is war justifiable?
-When one party endangers the majority, but the innocent must be spared.
6. How would God want us to respond to aggression and terrorism?
-Peace treaties, loving one another, relinquishing greed
7. How does one obtain true peace?
-Searching for God
8. What does it mean to live in the present moment?
-I think about taking deep breaths and turning off your cell phone
9. What is our greatest distraction?
-our selves. We are so absorbed in ourselves that we can't see each other.
10. Is current religion serving its purpose?
-In some ways yes, the charitable ways. In other ways, war and hate speech and dividing nations, no.
11. What happens to you after you die?
-Peace and reunion with loved ones and Jesus in heaven
12. Describe heaven and how to get there.
-I think everyone goes. I don't think anyone would truly know God, have the opportunity to understand and know God, that they would be so evil to truly reject goodness. People are abused and conditioned to be evil, but I don't blame their soul for their wrongdoings completely. God is forgiving.
13. What is the meaning of life?
-To love others and experience the love God has for us
14. Describe God.
-kind, forgiving, gentle, patient
15. What is the greatest quality humans possess?
-kindness
16. What is it that prevents people from living to their full potential?
-doubt, lack of resources (emotional, financial, physical)
17. Noverbally, by motion or gesture only, act out what you believe to be the current condition of the world.
18. What is your one wish for the world?
-That everyone could feel safe and no one would hurt anyone
19. What is wisdom and how do we gain it?
-wisdom is what is learned from experience
20. Are we all one?

-idk!


I guess now I just will go with the flow. I'm really fine. Just needed to vent this!

alumnus

Ryan graduated summa cum laude from Texas State University yesterday with Bachelors of Sciences degrees in Biochemistry and Mathematics.

I'm a little bit proud!!!

proud

I have never thought of myself as someone who brags, but I brag on Ryan to my friends a lot. I mean, there is a lot to brag about. Yesterday I got to see him win such a special award and I am just so proud of him.

I can't say that I fully understand some of the things on his resume, but I have gotten a better grasp of it after yesterday, I think. Student Foundation is an organization that Ryan has been a member of for 3 years, having a leadership role for 2 of those years. Honestly, I still barely understand Student Foundation. They have a few events that I recognize, but beyond planning a few events I always felt like there were just so many meetings. Clearly I'm missing something or maybe I was just jealous that StuFo stole Ryan away from me for a few hours a week! From my outsider perspective, and from playing games on his phone and therefore seeing e-mail and text pop-ups and getting into about StuFo news that way, I saw Ryan being so professional, helpful, and kind even in a group text. Believe me, I've been a passive aggressive party in a group text before; people back out and bail on you and it feels good to make those little jabs like "Well okay, since none of you all decided to do X-task, I will set aside everything I have going on and do it all by myself." One thing I love about Ryan is that he doesn't say little bitchy things like that to people like I do. Even though sometimes - not StuFo necessarily - situations will arise and I'm like, "OMG Ryan are you kidding me? This person is dumb as rocks and CANNOT spell- they screwed up, it's their own fault, this isn't your responsibility, etc.," I love that Ryan doesn't listen to my snarky advice (most of the time...okay 99% of the time...) and he maintains his professional kindness with others.

Did that make sense? You know, people talk all about character and stuff when it comes to leadership. I'm just like don't be a jerk and don't take advantage of people and get stuff done. Ryan accomplishes all three of those things. That's why I think he's a good leader.

Anyways, last night Ryan and I went to the awards ceremony for an organization called Stelos Alliance. From what I understand, it is an organization that seeks to award scholarships to student leaders. Like I said, I don't always fully understand the things on Ryan's resume completely. Going into the event, Ryan and all of the other award recipients knew that they would win a scholarship of some kind, but did not know which scholarship or for what amount. Some scholarships were $500, some more, and one scholarship was $5,000. Obviously the biggest scholarship was saved for last, so the night went on and one by one all of the recipients were called up to be honored for their leadership and service to their fellow students. There were six students left when, by some mistake, the pictures of five students flashed up on the screen to receive a Student Foundation scholarship. It happened so fast, but everyone saw and laughed. I wasn't quite sure how everything worked, but Ryan's face was not among those five. My first thought- Did Ryan win the final scholarship? My next thought- wait... so is Ryan not receiving a scholarship? I will say a third time that I don't completely understand all of these organizations and things. So we waited and, apparently Ryan knew at that point he won. For some reason, when they called him up there, my eyes got watery. Well, I wasn't going to cry because that would be weird, but I was so proud of Ryan. The president of the organization awarding the scholarship shared some wonderful details about Ryan that, in my opinion, only barely scratched the surface of what a kindhearted, worthy, and deserving individual Ryan is, and he also called Ryan by the wrong name once (which was funny/awkward/funny). I felt so proud to look up there and see RG  in his sharp tan suit and gold eBay tie I ordered from China for $4 last week (LOL). He stood so tall and maintained his usual humble nature as he stood next to someone showering him with praises and affirmations. It was so special.

The scholarship, the Bill Hogue Memorial Scholarship, was created after a TX State student, Bill Hogue, was tragically killed 6 weeks after his graduation in 1988. A lot of sentimental thoughts about Bill were shared last night and he sounds like he was really a wonderful man. Ryan has a lot in common with him, I believe- both well liked by their peers, both always worked, they both loved the Square, they both were members of StuFo, and they both were involved in the Catholic Student Center despite all of their responsibilities in organizations, in school, and at work. How rare that someone can accomplish so much and maintain a giving spirit and cultivate their spiritual life in such a way? Or perhaps that is how they both managed to do so much- having their faith be a central part of their lives in states of such chaos that is college life. I wish they had mentioned this connection last night because that was the most wonderful part of it, in my opinion. I'm sure that the alliance was aware of that connection and I hope that they realize what a special bond that is between the two men.

I didn't think I would be so touched or would be so overwhelmed with pride after something like last night, but I am just so proud. Okay, better study for my test that's in 20 min!

Grad School!

I was accepted to the Masters of Social Work program at TX State on Tuesday. Really happy! I honestly didn't think I would get in, not sure why.

I will graduate with my Bachelors of Social Work on August 9, 2013 and my Masters of Social Work in August 2014. Wow. Not long til I'm Sarah Ryan, LMSW. So crazy.

It feels SO amazing to have plans for the fall. This whole year has just been a guessing, waiting, hoping, praying, and wondering game. The sense of relief I had upon reading my acceptance e-mail Tuesday night was overwhelming.

I just have 1 paper and 3 finals left until I'll be done with this semester and onto my internship this summer at an agency for foster children ages 0-22. Then I'll officially be done with undergrad.

My experiences in Bobcats For Life the past 4 years and other pro-life activities have been so beneficial to my development as a culturally competent and compassionate social work student. Very grateful for all of the learning opportunities I have been granted through pro-life involvement.

hopes for the future

To my future children,

I hope you never have to live in a world filled with fear. I hope you can run and you can dance and you can participate with no consequence for your innocence. I hope you feel safe at home and that your home is the world. I hope you see a time when different cultures start conversations, not wars. I hope that basic rights are given to all, but if not, that you see to it that they are. I hope you feed the hungry, but I hope more that there is no more hunger. I hope that peace isn't a dream for you. I hope you can have that "tucked into bed" feeling of safety when you're in a crowd, when you're alone, and when it's dark outside. I hope you are delicate and strong; I hope you are breakable, but no one would break you. I hope you don't have to find yourself drowning beneath your covers from the world's intolerance and hate. I hope I can start making life better for you today.

-your future mother