i'm so tired, but i can't sleep

an empty cup means a full heart

essay assistance from my elf friend

a poem

If I had a genie right now that would grant me 3 wishes, I would wish that Ella Wheeler Wilcox could return from the grave and tell me the stories behind her poems that ring so true in my heart.

Life's Scars
Ella Wheeler Wilcox

They say the world is round, and yet

I often think it square,

So many little hurts we get

From corners here and there.

But one great truth in life I've found,

While journeying to the West-

The only folks who really wound

Are those we love the best.

The man you thoroughly despise

Can rouse your wrath, 'tis true;

Annoyance in your heart will rise

At things mere strangers do;

But those are only passing ills;

This rule all lives will prove;

The rankling wound which aches and thrills

Is dealt by hands we love.

The choicest garb, the sweetest grace,

Are oft to strangers shown;

The careless mien, the frowning face,

Are given to our own.

We flatter those we scarcely know,

We please the fleeting guest,

And deal full many a thoughtless blow

To those who love us best.

Love does not grow on every tree,

Nor true hearts yearly bloom.

Alas for those who only see

This cut across a tomb!

But, soon or late, the fact grows plain

To all through sorrow's test:

The only folks who give us pain

Are those we love the best.

being thankful & being alone

This is my first, and hopefully last & only, Thanksgiving where I am alone. All the Facebook statuses and Tweets and mass texts about thankfulness & gratitude have been pouring in all day. I'm alone and sad and not  exactly brimming with grateful joy, but even as I reflect on what I have been blessed with (mostly "who"s I have been blessed by), I am sad. I ended up alone after a few little incidents and decided it was probably for the best that I just take some time to get work done... my to-do-list is starting to catch up with my blessings list in length. Not a good sign.

I've grown apart from a lot of people in the past year, mostly the past 6 months. I'm not sure if there is any way to have too many friends, but maybe that's what happened to me; maybe I just had too many people in my life and something had to give. 

Leaves change and people change. It's like when the colors in the trees start changing and it's beautiful (as a Texan, I mostly know this from photos and movies. We have a very short time of pretty fall trees.). The leaves are all sorts of reds, oranges, and golds, but if you get too attached to that you will be disappointed when they fall. Maybe that's what happened to me. Maybe I enjoyed the new friendships like a child might enjoy new leaves.

When leaves fall, we rake our yards. When people change or hurt us, there isn't much to do.

It was hard to make a collage of gratitude over the past year because so many of the photos I've taken were of blessings only temporary. It's hard to be thankful for moments that don't flee, but rather abandon. Maybe this is where the saying "don't cry because it's over, smile because it happens" comes in. Somehow though, it's hard for me to smile right now. Svetty told me the other day: "you don't need a lot; all you need are a few good & true friends."

This past year has brought me much inspiration and love. Two of my favorite additions to my heart are my NRL Academy girls and my best friend in the world, the truest friend I've ever known, Ryan. 

Here's to another year and hoping to be grateful for the same things next year. Reminds me of a quote I saw recently on Pinterest: "What if you woke up today with only the things you thanked God for yesterday?"

Just walked away from this entry for a bit to answer the phone and now I think I am sadder than ever. I thought I would like being alone more than I am liking it. At the same time, there's not anywhere else to be that would make me less sad than the company of myself. It's a pathetic paradox, really. Sigh.

a funny little day

a lot was due today and a lot was done for today. proud of myself.

today there was also an evangelical uprising followed by an atheist battle which turned into an all out uneducated philosophical throwdown in the quad. i observed for an hour.

after that hubbub, i had 2 pb&j sandwiches. then 2 sweet mormon missionaries came by my apartment. i had such a delightful time with them! catholic til the day i die, but i really enjoyed their visit.

finished my day with a new episode of "the office" with my sweet boy and now i'm going to hot chocolate it up and go to bed.... it is 9:40. WHO AM I?!

xoxo

can't commit to quit

another thing I have failed to bring to fruition: this "break."

only because I think I have solved my problem: I need my guitar back, I need some thinking/processing time, I need to turn off my phone every once and a while.

idea...
journaling...
in my "song journal"
sanity restored (momentarily)

I have a lot of homework right now... I mean, a lot, so that means I get situated in front of my computer to be productive... and then somehow I end up playing guitar. I don't play much this year, and I think I should start doing it more (at more logical times though).

Last year I played all the times, and more therapeutic than that was writing songs, getting my feelings and thoughts and stupid infatuations clogging my consciousness out onto paper and out of my mouth & heart into song. It sounds so cheesy and cliche and maybe that ought to be a quote on an emo 15 year old's Tumblr account or something, but I attribute a lot of the growth I did last year to the writing and singing that I did alone in my room. Or alone in my room with my amazing roommate/favorite critic to be vulnerable in front of (she never gave negative feedback, love her. ha ha ha ha). I haven't done that in a long time. Once I get alllll this stuff on my to-do list taken care of, I'm going to write & sing again... on a day when I don't have a test the next day (TODAY).

I'm embarrassed about my irresponsibility lately, but I'm getting really good grades this semester. It's sad how I'm still getting my Fall-2001 life balanced and it's almost over. I feel most ashamed of my poor performance with my HLI writing. That's almost always the thing that pops into my mind when I have all my immediate tasks conquered and I am about to fall asleep thinking I am done with everything. I need to get my act together.