new year, new struggles

I know, I know... not the right attitude, but it's January 2 and I'm feeling the heartache again. I need to start going to bed earlier because when I don't I start searching Pro-Life things online and end up searching Pro-Choice things too and then I just feel so frustrated.

I've made the mistake in the past of just thinking & saying "Pro-Choicers are stupid" which is so untrue and totally contrary to the compassion we're all called to have for each other. What makes me sad is that I feel in my heart that I really need to be in this fight for the helpless unborn, but it's hard to know where to start when the groups who support abortion feel so strongly also. I heard a quote once that basically expressed that it doesn't matter what you're passionate about so long as you're passionate about something, but it really doesn't hold true to me anymore I guess. Or maybe it just seems to me that some people's passions are misguided. I know I really need to work on my tolerance and patience and understanding though. I used to not be like this but now when I hear that a friend or acquaintance is Pro-C something just alters in my mind and it should not be that way.

The whole argument seems almost silly to me at this point because I really feel like I know my stuff; I can defend my position but rarely face an opportunity where I need to and even in those situations I just feel like everything is so obvious that I don't know where to begin. Over time I think I have gravitated towards people who are like me and with respect for Life being such a huge part of who I am, most people I'm close with share my views on Life so it's like "preaching to the choir" although I don't like to use the word "preach."

Overall right now I just feel kind of icky, just healthwise. I've got a stomachache and my body is sore and I'm really hoping it's not the flu, but more than that I just feel icky from reading these nasty things I've read online (from both sides) about "Pro-Lifers are ignorant, selfish Christians" and "Pro-Choicers are murderers" and it's all just ridiculous. I hate how heavily this all weighs on me because I know the issue isn't going to change overnight... or over the year... and maybe not over this decade or more years to come.

Just have to keep taking it one day at a time, one prayer at a time, one family (mother, child, AND father) at a time.

My Pro-Life new year's resolution: more compassion. The "I know I'm right, how can anyone think differently" attitude has to go and an "I am lucky enough to have been granted understanding and wisdom at a young age and it is my duty to share what I've learned and help those in difficult situations and love those that think I'm crazy" attitude needs to come in.

Giant sigh.

an end, a beginning

I had attempted to update everyday during 40 Days for Life but after a long retreat weekend and a post-retreat-recovery period (a.k.a. messed up sleep schedule) my blog consistency failed. I'm planning to start updating periodically rather than daily because a lot has happened in the past few weeks!

Currently, I feel I'm in a tiny slump... however, if I had updated about 3 weeks ago I would've written about getting to meet the beautiful baby boy whose mother chose life this past year :). I wrote about him in an earlier entry but I hadn't met him since he'd been born and he is absolutely perfect. I held him while he slept and when he woke up and just looked around and he grabbed my finger with his tiny fingers and it was so amazing. Those little moments are just messages from God saying this is what it's all about- Life! I wrote my new friend a song and I hope to play it for him and his mother one day soon.

As for my slump...I feel overwhelmed. Today was our final club meeting and I had a breakdown and cried and told everyone how I'd been let down by the group this semester. Granted, there were some beautiful moments and wonderful progress was made in some respects, but not enough (not like there can ever be enough though). They all understood and agreed and I am confident that next semester will be even more fruitful than this semester. I was to passive this semester and let people flake out on me and I'm not going to do that anymore. Trying to be loving and encouraging turned into having to assume responsibilities that others abandoned. That is not fun and is GPA damaging.

So this is the end of our semester- which honestly wasn't horrible, it's just that it's hard to feel satisfied sometimes, and the beginning of planning for next semester.

We had a scheduled Sidewalk Counselor Training that I was so stoked for but it got rescheduled, so once we knock that out next semester we'll be in business. I actually got trained when I was 16 but I don't feel like I'm prepared still... retention from the training, eh, not so great. I can't wait though. I really feel ready for it.

Yeah so I have a huge semester-long project that is due, eh, right about an hour ago but this just goes to show my priorities.... which have to change. Next semester=4.0 bound, but it's SO hard when there's so much I want to do with all this and so much planning and meetings and praying and on and on...

Dear God, help me to find the balance between my passion for the defense of the Unborn and my studies.

Day 9: Haikus

fingers move around
he's wondering where am I?
he kicks and he kicks

he feels pain, he smiles
happy just to live, hopeful
can't wait to meet Mom

the little heart beats
and the little baby dreams
before his birthday

Day 8: Quick Joy

This will be very brief but 3 blessings received in the past 48 hours are:

1. 13 people came to our Pro-Life meeting yesterday! and I know that more would've come if there weren't another evening activity at the Church. 13 is incredible.

2. A girl just told me that she will be taking off work on Monday nights to make our meetings. WOW!

3. Got a text from a guy today saying he met a girl who wants to be involved with our club so he got her information. WOW!

Day 7: Blooming

I never wrote about another one of my Sunday highlights, but it was so wonderful.

I met a new friend this year, under very fate-y circumstances, and she has become very involved with our Pro-Life club, doing everything she can and coming to every meeting. She has been such a blessing this year and I've seen how her heart has been changed just in the past month or two through her knowledge of Pro-Life issues.

Anyways, she came over to my apartment Sunday to ask me 2 questions. I was worried something was wrong, but fortunately I wasn't right about that.

The first question she had was "What do they do with the babies after they abort them?" so we got to internet searching for answers (which by the way was quite difficult) and her second question made my weekend. She asked "When is the next Sidewalk Counselor training?" I was SO happy. We'd talked about Sidewalk Counseling the week before and how we weren't really sure if either of us had been called to do that yet, but the fact that in such a short amount of time she has become so impassioned about this and so eager to do more and more just made my heart swell.

Pro-Lifers around here are springing up like daisies! :)